I used to joke that this was a simulation until I became convinced the dude at the sketchy gas station near my house is an NPC. He says 3 total sentences and he’s there no matter what time of day I show up. I am no longer joking.
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Note to self: Before committing any murders, get head and shoulders. Can’t be leaving DNA all over the place.
[David Attenborough watching me pour syrup on my waffles before I put them in the toaster] Turn the camera off this man needs help
Told my daughter work was tough today and she patted my back and said, “Life isn’t always pickles and peaches,” like some kind of 3rd Grade Confucius.
Hubs: Why can’t we use the good china?
Me: Because that’s for if the Queen comes to visit
Hubs: um…
Me: oh bugger!
Today I have learnt – if you try and give someone the finger whilst wearing mittens, you are basically just showing them your mittens.
Her: Have you seen my penguin tattoo?
Me *eyes wide* how does he hold the needle?
“Can’t Take My Eyes Off You” by Frankie Valli can come on and I’m all about it, singing that horn section and getting real loud I LOVE YOU BABY AND IF IT’S QUITE ALRIGHT I NEED YOU BABY.. u do that too don’t lie
[Year 2090]
A teenager unwraps a birthday present
“What is this thing grandpa?”
“That’s called a book”
“What’s it do?”
“It fixes idiots”
Henry VIII would be glad to know that in a post-Game Of Thrones world he actually seems pretty chill
I would never let MY child act like that.
-things my friends without kids say.
I have pictures of random children in my house. When my kid misbehaves I gently remind him of the brothers & sisters that came before him that are no longer part of the family.
wife: What do you want for dinner?
me: What do you want me to want?
me, age 7: I want to be an adult so I can eat as many pickles as I want
me, age 30, eating pickles: haha hell yeah
I think it’s time to just let my eyebrows grow until they connect with my chin hair.
My washing machine shakes so much it moves across the floor and I’m pretty sure it’s trying to escape because I work it too hard
[Inventing Canadians]
Angels: *giggling* omg they’re SO nice!
God: Oh yeah? Check this out. *drops hockey puck*
I have a picture of my uncle standing on a tank he and two buddies destroyed in WWII. I cut my fingernails too short and I might stay home.
First 20 minutes driving through farm country: “Isn’t this pretty?”
Next 3 hours: *can’t remember a life before corn*
“I think this chlorine is healing my anal fissure.” – Things not to say in a swimming pool. Apparently.
Him: Alcohol isn’t the answer.
Me: OK, what’s the answer?
Him:
Me: *sips flask*
Shout out to the KFC drive-thru attendant who offered me “enough ranch to drown a small child”
“This year sucked, next year will suck too.” Enough negativity, let’s hear something aspirational. In 2024 we will put all tik tok content creators in jail
Wife: I hate it when romance novels say the guy “explored her body.” What’s he going to do, plant a flag? “I claim this booty for England!”
Forgive me father for I have sinned, last week I hissed at 47 people because I like to pretend I’m a mean cat
Is your meth contaminated with coronavirus? This Florida police dept. will test it for free
I’m stranded on a dessert island. Do not send help.
Thank God you’ve updated your status to “Finished lunch” after you first posted “Going to lunch” I really couldn’t tolerate more suspense.
Looking good, Kim! #LNSM
Not messing around
I had a shirt with a tag that said “tumble dry only.” I did like twenty cartwheels and it was still wet.