Told my daughter work was tough today and she patted my back and said, “Life isn’t always pickles and peaches,” like some kind of 3rd Grade Confucius.
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PATIENT: Doc, I haven’t been able to bone my wife lately and I really think-
DR DOG: Wait. Tell me more about the bone part
I’m having one of those days where nothing seems to be going write.
I read that playing mind games will keep your brain sharp. I’ll start tonight by acting like I’m not mad when I really am mad.
I asked my daughter to make me a Pinterest board of what she’d like to redecorate her room and I just opened it up to see nothing but a bunch of pictures of people holding fistfuls of cash
Taking my husband’s last name doesn’t mean I’m not a feminist it means I don’t want anyone I went to high school with to be able to find me ever again
72% of trick or treating is yelling “CAR!!!” at your kids.
Me: WHY DID YOU EVEN COME HERE IF YOU DIDN’T WANT TO BE WITH ME!!
Him: Ma’am please just take your pizza.
i have lived through 30 winters and i’m somehow still surprised when it gets dark before 5pm in november
My wife and I are going to be super bummed if we don’t get a good grade on our daughter’s science fair project.
“Here, throw this away for me.” ~ People who hand out leaflets.
My kids: Papa, we’re pretending we are hurricanes!
Me: What do you mean by pretending?
An enterprising neighborhood kid started a business to fill in all those grownup coloring books for us. I feel more relaxed already.
Date: omg it’s so dark do you have a flashlight
Me: I don’t need one cause I have all the light I need right here-
Date: aww
Me: oh my feet *i stomp and my light up sketchers start flashing*
[team dumps Gatorade on head coach after victory but head coach just happens to be the Wicked Witch of the West]
COACH: you idiots *melts*
Christmas time is my Mom asking me what size shirt I wear and then telling me I’m wrong.
my kid correcting me about a dinosaur fact
Of all the millions and trillions of literary devices, hyperbole is my favorite.
What do whales do on a date?
Net flicks and krill.
#WhaleDay #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
Guy: “Lesbians! Awesome! Can I watch?”
Me: “Errr. Sure?”
*bundles him into the car and makes him drive around for five hours while we buy some timber and succulents and choose a rescue kitten from the shelter*
I’m open to change but not when it’s sudden like Stephen Colbert getting new glasses with no warning
This is a special tweet. Only people who are sex deprived can read this tweet.
My son just threatened to not talk to me for the rest of the day.
I’m 3% offended and 97% hoping he follows through.
[wakes up to crying in the night]
Wife: can you go check the baby
Me, climbing back into bed 2 mins later: yeah that was the baby
It’s never too late to accomplish things you never thought you could. I’m 46 years old and just set a personal record for vertical leap when I saw my own reflection in the mirror and jumped like a cat
Note to self: always read the final line
Me: I’m worried about my kleptomania.
Doctor: Here, take this.
God *creates a worm* hello little buddy!
Worm: Thanks for the “worm” welcome haha
God *creates birds*
Kids want to play with the box the toys come out of.
Men want to play with the box the kids come out of.
In my defense, that little girl should have never questioned my pillow fighting skills.
I know parents should inspire kids to be anything when they grow up. But my son took 1 hour to eat a banana, so competitive eating is out.