i have lived through 30 winters and i’m somehow still surprised when it gets dark before 5pm in november
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I never understood why people get buried in suits. When I die bury me in my PJ’s. If I’m gonna be sleeping that long I wanna be comfortable.
When my wife says “Guess what today is.”
I got pulled over for speeding just outside Atlanta. The cop asked why I was in town, I said to do stand up, he asked me to tell him a joke, I told a really dirty one, he didn’t give me a ticket. Honestly, one of my all-time highest paid stand up gigs!!!
Her: What do you want to listen to?
Me: You name it…I’m pretty eclectic.
Her: Great…I have Amazon music.
Me: Actually I’m not really into the indigenous stuff.
Her:
No one cares how old your kid was when they were potty trained, Brenda.
I’m a successful adult, and no one has ever asked when I stopped shitting my pants.
Went out to eat at a new place last night
Saw a couple friends I hadn’t seen in so long, I almost didn’t recognize them.
Slapped one guy on the back shook the other one’s hand and realized the reason I barely recognized them is because it wasn’t them.
My wife is still laughing
WAITER: may i suggest the steak
VAMPIRE: no you certainly may not
My kid just told me that the 10/10 I got on an attractiveness scale is “just a totally random number and doesn’t actually mean anything”, if you’re in the market for an assassin.
[inventing the grinch] santa needs a wario
Friend: How’s the wine?
Me: It’s exCHARDONNARY—
Friend: *taking my glass away* No.
A fake ID that makes you younger
Grind me like corn, so I know it’s meal.
Daughter text me from upstairs..come here and bring your glasses..that can only mean one thing…we are about to make fun of people on FB…
That “Barbie” movie is so popular they should make some merch for it. Maybe an actual doll or something.
Friend of mine confused IUD with IED and I couldn’t stop laughing
Feeling lazier than the guy who named the anteater
“What’s this thing eat? Cool.”
my kid: cries cause youtube went down and he can’t watch gamer vids
me: chill out omg. The internet isn’t life.
Also me: TWITTER WTF IS THIS RETWEET QUOTE CRAP?!! I CANT LIVE LIKE THIS.
Today’s Forecast: Room Temperature
Tomorrow’s Forecast: Room Temperature
Long-Term Forecast: Room Temperature
Me: “Another day, another dollar.”
My boss: “Please don’t discuss your salary in front of co-workers.”
I just referred to tongs as ‘food tweezers’ in case you want to be in awe of my command of the English language.
Me: Look to my left.
Friend: We’re facing the same way. Why don’t you say our left?
Me: I don’t like to share.
Rich people’s advice basically is like: Go be rich and follow your dreams while saving 90% of your salary
[galileo’s wife walks in]
*quickly pointing the telescope from the neighbor’s window to the sky*
i was just studying the… phases of venus.
Me: I like your Prince tattoo.
“It’s my mother.”
Me: Your mother is Prince?
I began speaking English with a French intonation after a fender bender. Well, I guess accents will happen.
According to the amount of chocolate I’ve eaten this year in these Advent calendars there’s 127 days in December.
Making it easier for the municipal leaf removal crew by dropping each leaf in an envelope & mailing it to city hall
*hires sky writer to propose to psychic girlfriend*
WILL YOU MARRY ME
*2nd planes flies by 5 seconds later*
HELL NO
[laying in bed at 2am]
ME: hey siri do they still make grape nuts
SIRI: jesus christ go to sleep
My dog reacts to the vacuum cleaner the same way I react when my wife says “We need to talk”.