i have lived through 30 winters and i’m somehow still surprised when it gets dark before 5pm in november
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My Cat turned up his nose at his new gourmet food so after a logical discussion failed to persuade, I pretended to eat some and it blew his mind. Anyway, he’s eating it now.
My ideal weight is five million dollars
The coolest thing about dating Mystique from the X-men is the unlimited free food samples she can get for you at Costco.
wife: [steps out of time machine] my god you’ve aged horribly
me: u didn’t even turn it on
I need a Valentine’s Day card that says, “Sorry we keep almost-divorcing during the pandemic.”
My dentist is a nice guy but he asks the dumbest questions. Um, yeah, I think I’ve heard of a toothbrush!
Daughter: Dad take this Buzzfeed quiz and find out which Spice Girl you are.
Me: I already know…I’m Hospice.
Daughter:
[history class in 2069]
TEACHER: how did the Civil War begin?
ME: when the United Nations prepared to pass the Sokovia Accords, which would establish a UN panel to oversee and control The Avengers, Iron Man and Captain America were divided.
TEACHER: correct
On tonight’s episode of Catfish, Cathy finds out she’s been in an online relationship with a pineapple.