Darth Vader: they blew up the Death Star
Emperor: [laughing] I overinsured it by 8 trillion imperial credits
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My favorite part of yard work is running over a toy with the lawnmower and watching it shoot across the yard. Never gets old
Its not a joke, its a rope and I want you to put it around your neck.
My house is cleaner than it’s ever been and given that no one is allowed to come over to see it you’ll just have to take my word for it
I AM A THREE THOUSAND YEAR OLD SHRUNKEN HEAD AND I DEMAND TO BE REHYDRATED.
I eat my chips like any normal person, waiting to get to the perfect chip before I stop.
*crunch*
too salty*crunch*
this one is broken*crunch*
that one was perfect but I’m still hungry*crunch*
not salty enough*crunch*
broken again
*covers puddle with a jacket so a lady won’t get her shoes wet*
LADY: MY JACKET!!!
A young guy at work asked me if I’m ready for Christmas.
I’m 52 yrs old Connor. I just turned down my radio so I can see better. I’m not even ready for today.
You can’t force me to watch your ads. YouTube. I will look away and plug my ears
I ripped my pants and had to sew them back up.
Britches love stitches.
Optometrist: better or worse
Me: oh worse, everything’s definitely worse
[son comes running into our room]
“Dad, there’s a monster in my room!”
Look, Marky, what-
“Mikey.”
Right, Mikey. What makes u think I care?
Les Miserables was pretty good but I wish I’d had some kind of warning that everyone in it would be so unhappy.
when u have no idea what ur doing but u don’t let that stop u
Why’s this 66 year old fridge better than the one I got now
Me, wide awake after staying up all night:
*Sings loudly*
*Dancing around*
*Way too chipper*
*Annoying my friends and family*My neighbor: Good Morning!
Me: How dare you speak to me so early in the morning? Have you no respect?
When a raccoon stands up and cracks his knuckles, stop shaving him immediately.
my mom taught me to say “not my circus, not my monkeys” when some crazy shit someone was doing wasn’t my business. but when my friends are doing crazy shit it’s tough. bc I’m like that’s not my circus… but that’s MY monkey
I realize that choosing a pasta can be a confusing and difficult decision, but for the love of all that is holy, move your cart to the side.
Every day I go to work and draw a little tick on everyone who didn’t say goodbye to me the day before.
It’s a bird. It’s a plane.
It’s a joke that went over your head.
Learn from your mistakes. Make better & better mistakes until you’re making the best mistakes possible.
My band is so indie we don’t even record together. You have to buy 4 separate cds and play them at the same time.
Joined Match.com… And all I got was a lit cigarette
[during sex]
Can I call my mom? She said this would never happen. Wait-will you call her? Tell her this is happening! She’ll believe you.
My younger brother has a PhD in material engineering, and I do stand up comedy which to be fair is also material engineering
[Dorothy, years after Oz, recounting her adventures to her grandchildren]
DOROTHY: *Smiles warmly* When I was your age, I murdered a woman and stole her shoes.
Friend: *sees my new tattoo of dogs kissing* Whoa! Is that permanent?!
Me: Yup.
Friend: Wow. What’s it mean?
Me: It means I can’t remove it.
I come from a time of excessive Durans.