A young guy at work asked me if I’m ready for Christmas.
I’m 52 yrs old Connor. I just turned down my radio so I can see better. I’m not even ready for today.
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this is me not knowing my powerpoint presentation was not showing up on the screen but my wallpaper instead
Just found a best-by date of Oct 1623 on some apple juice so we probably oughta not drink that
I remember when Dulux were just a small company selling paint brushes. Now they’re hue mongers!
Cop: can u describe your attacker
Me: super aggressive, with a big nose & powerful arms
Cop: u just described a seagull
Me: he took my chips
I’m guessing that while more honest and accurate ‘Dancing With People Who Are Arguably More Famous Than You But By No Means Could Be Considered Stars’ just wasn’t as catchy as DWTS and really sucks as an acronym.
I think it’s important for us as a society to ensure that the person who manages the flavors for Oreo and the person who manages the flavors for Mountain Dew never meet.
I’ve cut my fingernails too short and now I can’t open my shower gel. What’s the point of being well-groomed if I can’t smell like mangos?
I learned all my flirting from lizards so I just do a bunch of really fast pushups when I see a cute lizard.
My doctor wasn’t amused when he asked how much I weighed and I said
One hundred and fat
Some days I want to leave everything and just run away with him. Other days I want to own 3 baby dragons and be fireproof and naked.
Me: *opens fridge*
Dog: you gonna finish that
Sometimes I deliberately forget to use dryer sheets so my husband can go to work with my panties stuck to his shirt.
Ghost Hunter is a cool job because as a kid I always thought how fun it would be to play make believe and get paid for it
I had a dream where I thought I had rats in my bed but it turned out to be a passel of wiener dogs. If my subconscious mind were a person, I’d want it in jail.
Guy: I hate my spouse.
Friend: You gotta end it.
Guy: I also hate myself.
Friend: You gotta en… learn to love yourself!
my 7 year old said Batman was his favorite animal and it was too late to switch mine
Jokes about communism aren’t funny unless everybody gets them
Looks the same on the way in, as it does on the way out
As homeschooling draws to a close for the summer I realise my 8yo may not have learned how to do fractions but he also learned very little about anything else
I’m at a kids fun park and let me just emphasize that the word “fun” is used loosely here.
if I was a zebra and I carried a wallet in my mouth I’m guessing a lot of people would assume it didn’t belong to me and that sucks
Help! Has anybody seen a little boy with a corndog?
Stranger: He’s over there!
Oh thank God! [steals little boy’s corndog and runs away]
[speaking at an AA meeting]
Me: You’ll find the transition from hard liquor to hard drugs expensive, but very rewarding
*everyone cheers*
People say I’m half naked when I’m 12% dressed because they’re bad at math
Going to a strangers baby shower 45 minutes away, this baby better make an appearance for all that effort.
Hey IKEA,
Marriage Therapists and Divorce Lawyers on site in your stores, you’d make a killing.
Seems like an opportune time to resurface my favorite interview moment
I was mowing the lawn and a frog just appeared out of nowhere and threw himself under the mower. Guess he wanted to Kermit suicide.
I’m going as Alexa for Halloween this year and answering every question with, “Sorry, I’m having trouble understanding you right now.”