I learned all my flirting from lizards so I just do a bunch of really fast pushups when I see a cute lizard.
You Might Also Like
The only reason we have different time zones is because if everyone was sleeping at the same time, the aliens would make off with our stuff
I like to be called a MILF because it’s better than being called a MILTMALIAD. (Mother I’d like to murder and leave in a ditch.)
Darth Vader: Luke
Luke: ya
Darth Vader: [heavy breathing] I am your father
Luke: um ok
Darth Vader: Also I’m vegan
Luke: NNNNNOOOOOOOOO
wife: where’s the baby
me: in the cradle
wife: but where’s the cradle
me: on the treetop
[a gust of wind is followed by a crash]
me: I just thought of a song
Just realized the little piggy that went to market was NOT just going shopping so I’mma need to shut it down for a day.
WHAT ARE WE?
Writers!
WHAT ARE WE WRITING?
Snacks!
WAIT, WHAT?
Snacks first, THEN writing!
No, wait, coffee/tea too!
Maybe a nap beforehand!
THEN WRITING?
No, then Twitter
THEN WRITING!
Too late! Time for bed! Writing tomorrow
#amwriting
#writerslife
#writingcommunity
Me: *buying a pair of socks and a pack of gum*
Kohl’s cashier: You saved $439 today.
Doctor: You have emphysema
Batman: How?
Doctor: Probably from throwing smoke bombs to get out of tough situations
Batman:
Doctor:
Batman: *throws smoke bomb*
“I trust him as far as I can throw him.”
Oh and we’re supposed to trust you, the guy who THROWS people?
An apple a day keeps my fruit-picking business trapped in bankruptcy.
*Takes our kid away so my wife can have a break*
*Takes kid to pub*
*Bumps into wife at pub*
Just flipped my mattress, should have woke up my wife first
If you haven’t seen one before, may I introduce the Secretary bird.
Creep yelling from window: “HEY SEXY WHERE YO MAN?”
Me yelling back: “HE DEAD”
Him: “WHAT HAPPENED TO HIM?”
Me: “HE YELLED AT ME”
I’m 20, my face is 18, my voice is 16, my back is 60 🥲.
Lmao
It’s not politically correct to say Retarded, we say Politician now.
thinking about that time they found a cat sleeping with a baby who’d been abandoned in a box in the cold and everyone was like “omg the cat saved the baby 🥺” but like…I’m prettyyyyy sure the cat was just there for the box
Them: ugh could you be more annoying
Me: oh my yes
Annoying to think of how many lives on the Titanic could have been saved if only they had seen the movie.
Genius move, Romeo & Juliet, for killing yourselves instead of getting married and spending the rest your lives wanting to kill each other.
A Nigerian prince needs my help #BadReasonsForALoan
Me: It’s late. I guess I’ll go to bed.
-My brain, who up until now has always been the logical one “Let’s put up a tent in the living room”
Why am I getting ads for things that cost $495? I have never bought anything ever that costs $495
Brushing my daughter’s hair
Me: Why is your hair SO tangled?
5: I don’t know. Glue maybe?
Me: Did you put glue in your hair?
5: Yes.
the prophecy has been fulfilled
“Cake by the Ocean” probably has some alternate meaning but I’m too old to really care so I like to think it’s about a nice, young fellow eating birthday cake on the beach.
That blue kool-aid that barbers keep their combs in tastes funny.