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Cop: You there! Hands over your head!
Me: *raises hands*
*30 avocados fall out of shirt*
Cop: Holy guacamole!
If a picture is worth a thousand words then why does everyone only buy Playboy magazine for the articles?
Wow my pants are really loose today
*skips to the nearest vending machine*
Sorry I yelled “GET A ROOM!” at your grandson’s wrestling tournament.
I relish the fact that you’ve mustard the strength to ketchup to me.
i’ve always wanted to be a whistleblower but unfortunately i don’t know anything
If you think one of my tweets is about you, it isn’t. Except this one.
5:21am: I hope someone gets mad at me today.
5:22am: Oh good.
[1st date, opening scene of star wars]
ME: *leans over* those are the stars
DATE: thanks
ME: but you have to wait for the wars
[ I am abducted by aliens ]
alien: it’s been 5000 years since we first came and bestowed upon you our wisdom. we excepted things to be… different
me: WANT SOME GUM IT’S AVALANCHE FLAVOR
when was the last time we checked in on the guy from Snow Patrol. is he still layin there
Me: “Can you please help me with my Tinder profile? I’m not having much luck”
My wife:
Went out of town, came back and the roomba changed all the locks
Me: what word would you use?
Interviewer: I’ve just never seen “higgledy-piggledy” on a resume before
Coworker: By your age I was on my 3rd child already.
Me: Wow that’s a lot of kids to eat in a such a short period of time.
“Living well is the best revenge.”
– someone who has never thrown a jar of spiders onto their enemy’s face.
Astronaut: I never loved you
Me: how could you say that?
Astronaut: it’s the truth
Me: no I mean like, sound doesn’t travel in a vacuum
I get it fireworks, people set me off too.
jesus: hey dad
God: hey
jesus: happy Father’s Day
God: thanks bud
God: hey listen man so im gonna need u to die on a cross
*runs away to join the frog and cricket chorus
Finally! 😈
ME (pulling wishbone): I won
WIFE: what’d u wish for?
M: uh world peace
W: Nice
*human-sized bacon strip walks into kitchen* Hey, what’s up?
glorious crime spree after being fired from wal mart., expertly hopping fences, chugging all the seeds out of my neighbors bird feeders,
“Quick kid I don’t have much time. In 2020 they will release a super virus in a strategic attempt to wipe ou-“
Me: Thank you for rescuing me from such a desperate situation.
Hubs: Again, hitting the wrong button on the remote is not a “desperate situation.”
6: What’s a hangover?
Me: The interest repayment on fun.
why tf do americans say tuna fish? like what other types of tuna are there?
if you were really my friend, you’d know my favorite kitchen utensil. it’s the ladle. ok we’re friends now.
me: *eating burrito* so how do I die?
psychic: ok I’ll tell you
me: *eating third burrito* don’t you need to use your crystal ball?
psychic: no I’m pretty confident
The boy is putting whipped cream on the cat. I think he may have overheard a conversation he didn’t understand quite so well.