Wow my pants are really loose today
*skips to the nearest vending machine*
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I’M MAKING A SECOND POT OF COFFEE, IF ANYONE WANTS ME TO PAINT THEIR HOUSE.
I’m tired of being told to remove my card rapidly. Starting a new ATM for people who wanna remove their card at a more chill pace
[shitfaced at my HS reunion] Has anyone seen the lunch lady
“This is literally the worst beer I’ve ever tasted.”
*finishes six pack*
Celebrities are like we’re just like you then they name their kids Fruitcake and Archipelago.
Her: Let’s just drop it.
Me: Fine.
Her:
Me:
Her: I just find it funny how…
Me: *opens car door and shoulder rolls out into traffic*
I just deleted the same tweet twice for two different typos and now I can’t tweet it again because it’s already been stolen
My cat WHO EATS STINK BUGS OFF THE WINDOW SILL refuses the $8.99/lb deli turkey I bought especially for her sensitive mouth.
[dinner]
HER: lose the spear
ME: but you said we having wild rice
I’m listening, but this 5-year-olds ‘polka-dotted dinosaur astronaut’ story better have a point
i used to enjoy weather like “sunny” or rainy” or cloudy” i’m glad that 2023 is showing us that it can innovate and give us weather like “smoke”
Don’t get your panties in a bunch. The nicer ones are sold individually.
masseuse: I can tell you hold a lot of tension in your shoulders. Do you sit at a desk all day?
I’m all for the scientific method.
Right now I’m experimenting to see how much swearing makes other parents stop inviting you to things.
If I became a witch, the first spell I would cast is to make crickets sound like a purring cat. After that, I’d focus on evil. But the cricket-cat thing first.
My friend and I were talking about food and he said “I’m not a big Chinese guy” and I was like “I know you’re not”
“Punch it bro, the lights gray.”
I wonder if tarantulas are nostalgic for the 70s, when excessive body hair was still cool?
RRH: Grandma, what big eyes you have. And what big ears you have. And what big TEETH you have!
Grandma: You’re my least favorite grandchild
*6 opens piggy bank*
Me: wtf where’d you get all that?
6: mommy said I could take $1 out of your wallet each day bc you’d never know
if somone acidentaly walks in while ur in the bathroom, do not react at all. this avoids embarasment & makes them wonder if they are a ghost
Test results are in, you might want to have a seat
“I’d rather stand”
Are you sure? You have “Falls Down When Gets Bad News” disease
*Thud*
I’m not “rich.” Actually, it depends on how you define wealth. If you’re talking about money, relationships, or happiness, then no still
FOMO? No, I’ve got FOBI. Fear of being invited.
ME: eat your veggies so you grow up big and strong
SON: *looks me up and down* you didn’t eat your veggies, did you
ME: *under breath* damn, son
Me in my 20’s: Naive af.
Me in my 40’s: Same af.
lawyer: hey can you fax that over to me?
Me: sorry we don’t do fax where I am
lawyer: where are you?
me: 2018
Things we didnt do
-Start the fire
-Shoot the deputyThings we did do
-Tried to fight it
-Shot the Sheriff
-Built this city on Rock and RollThings we will do
-Survive
-Rock YouThings we wont do
-Get fooled again
-Back Down
-That
-Give You Up
-Let you down
-Desert you
WHY DOES EVERYONE ON DATING APPS LIKE HIKING SO MUCH
People who pronounce didn’t as.”dih-in’t” please doh-on’t.