People who pronounce didn’t as.”dih-in’t” please doh-on’t.
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[my 17 witnessing my wife and I kissing]
You guys have been married a long time, haven’t you had enough?
I’d have saved a fortune in Botox if my mama had been right and my face had frozen like that
ME: What’s that on your wrist?
CO-WORKER: It’s a step tracker. It tells me how many steps I’ve taken throughout the day.
ME: Great! Do you like mine? *holds out arm*
CW: That’s just a regular watch.
ME: I know…it tells me how many hours I’ve got left until bedtime.
N – necessary
A – adult
P – procedure
A t-shirt gun outfitted for Costco hotdogs.
If they cause you to have anxiety & panic attacks the majority of your relationship, move on.
In related news, I just broke up with my mom
Hot tip: Apparently it’s frowned upon to make the sound effect tssst when being blessed by a priest
They say milk is good for your teeth..you know what else is good for your teeth..minding your own damn buisness
Hypnotist: *you are getting sleepy*
Me: I can’t be hypnotized, man
Hypnotist: *waves plate of nachos before my eyes*
Me: touché
i got you a candy necklace for a present but then something happened so i got you this string instead
A female contestant is on Wheel of Fortune. “Give me a D” she says. “She wants the D” Pat Sajak says & then high fives the camera man.
never in my 3 days of trading have I ever seen anything like this
*packing suitcases*
kid 1: stuffed animals, toy cellphone in side pocket
kid 2: stick
At what point do we just ask Britney’s dad to do a conservatorship for Kanye?
My son: little pig, little pig, let me in!
Me: Ok first of all, rude because, yes, I have been eating more lately, no need to get personal son
My son: say your line mummy!
Me: not by the hair of my ch- OK I’M NOT PLAYING ANYMORE
My mom’s favorite part of my birthday is describing my birth in detail to an 18 year old waitress who is just there to get our drink order.
There should be a “Life of Pi” TV show, where they throw a different D-list celebrity in a boat with a tiger every week.
Thanks, I wrote the tweet. There’s no need to reiterate it back to me with quotation marks.
My phone changed Careless Whisper into Casserole Whopper and now I’m on the phone with the CEO of Burger King
A lot of people don’t know this but the couch that played coffee shop couch in Friends is a couch in real life too
Oh you’re a fan of egg whites? Name 3 of their albumens
[death row]
Okay Johnson, it’s time. Any last requests?
Pardon me?
I said it’s time, any last—ah I see what you did there, Johnson. Good one
*gets called a psychopath
*googles “What’s the average IQ of a psychopath?”AWWW, HE THINKS I’M REALLY SMART.
So I just watched Contagion and tbh, if they had watched the end of the film first, they could have saved a lot of lives.
When my kids requested a song in the car, I jokingly said, “Sure OR… stay with me, Mommy could sing it for you!”
I may never emotionally recover from their critique 😭
My daughter once asked me if dinosaurs were around when I was little. She’s still grounded.
As a teacher, you’re sometimes privileged to witness life moments. I saw a girl approach a boy to ask if he wanted her number.
He paused, then pulled out his phone. Utter joy on the girl’s face.
I then confiscated the phone as it’s against rules to have it out in the corridor.
“Yes, waiter, why does it say “there ain’t no rats in it” next to the lasagna?”:
Cause there ain’t no rats in it
“But why woul
AIN’T NO RATS
Me: I’ve lost the dictionary
Her: Can you look upstairs?
Me: I can’t look up anything
PR MANAGER: It’s bad, boss. The picketers are getting a lot of support.
OUTSIDE:
🎵 Oompa Loompa, Doopity Doo!
A livable wage is the least you can do!
Oompa Loompa, Doopity Dow!
When do we want it? We want it now!🎵WILLY WONKA: Ugh, why did I get them vocal training?