My phone changed Careless Whisper into Casserole Whopper and now I’m on the phone with the CEO of Burger King
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Putting on mascara without opening my mouth is on my bucket list
My kid just yanked out a loose tooth and set it next to the flowers he got me, and is that…is that part of the gift
Finally, my winter fat is gone… now I have spring rolls
I asked 4 if she was excited to start school and she said she doesn’t need to go to school bc she already know lots of words and if she runs out she can just make them up
Me: go get em tiger!
Tiger: *mauls everyone*
Peppa Pig calls emergency cabinet meeting to decide how to respond to Kanye’s provocation,
*accidentally answers phone call*
*pretends to be answering machine*
My wife just opened a bottle of wine so my chances of getting laid just went from 0 to 750ml.
[sitting on the deck with my son]
Me: look son, everything the light touches-
Son: yes dad?
Me: -you have to mow.
I’m starting an eraser company and looking to get the word out
The only relationship you should expect to last on Twitter is the one between your TL and those who have you blocked.
Shakespeare: ugh! I do no want to people today
Bee: that’s funny. It doesn’t even occur to me whether or not I want to bee
Shakespeare: *discreetly taking notes
what’s wrong son?
that kid said he’s cooler than me
what? impossible. what kid?
*in my head im like don’t be the kid with pegs on his bike*
A hot guy at my job asked me if I had any plans and I told him 15 because I thought he said plants
Me: *goes for midnight jog*
My boss: *pops out of trash can* RUNNING LATE AGAIN I SEE
my mom when anyone would walk on the carpet she just vacuumed
Hurricane Facebook Events are back y’all
Obi-wan: It’s over Anakin! I have the high ground!
Anakin:*Force pushes him out of the way*
Obi-wan: Damn that completely obvious solution
If you are hospitalized for social anxiety you don’t go to the psych ward. You go to the awk ward.
[Driving]
HUBS: You just blew a stop sign!
ME: Jealous?
Don’t “pshhh” me, you stupid bus.
Fighting fire with fire but in the marital bed we’re just fighting wind with wind
wife: don’t eat that, u know it won’t agree with u
me: yes it will
taco: no I won’t
A British person will be slightly insulted by someone, not say anything, nurture a lingering resentment, patiently bide their time, and eventually, in an unrelated conversation with the person years later, will remark, “that’s typical of you.” Usually across a dining table.
Guy I’m hooking up with: stop telling your friends about us
Me to my friends: anyway then he referred to us as “us”
Bad Cop: The proof is in the pudding.
Good Cop: Stop putting all our evidence in pudding. Why do you keep putting our evidence in pudding?
Sometimes I don’t even know why I bother boiling my underpants.
I can’t find anything in my job description about being awake
Son: Dad can sand melt?
Me putting down my glass: Don’t be ridiculous of course it can’t
Sign of the times. 😒
#Hoarders #COVIDー19 #COVID #CoronaOutbreak