I asked 4 if she was excited to start school and she said she doesn’t need to go to school bc she already know lots of words and if she runs out she can just make them up
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-Why do you carry that lazy dog on your shoulders, he can walk
-Mind your business
-Looks like dog actually wants to get down
-I forgot my coat, okay?
Anyone mad about favstar shutting down can mail me $30, and I’ll tell your friend you like their tweet.
What a rip off.
There’s no pot in this chicken-pot-pie.
So, when does this adulthood thing start then?
waiter: how would you like your steak cooked
me: i’d love it
We live by the school and my tween’s friends keep dropping by for food. Like I’m a full blown adult and somehow middle schoolers are still taking my lunch.
Calm down, people on FB who ran the Detroit marathon. I’d be running a shit load too if I were in Detroit.
Know who put dinosaur bones in the ground? Dinosaurs. They WANTED us to think they were extinct. And now they’re waiting. Waiting to strike.
It’s said that it takes 43 muscles to frown, but only 17 to smile which is why my face is ripped as hell
“I bought the biggest watermelon in the store!” —The person not cutting up the watermelon.
finally old enough to understand that “fake it till you make it” and “practice makes perfect” are the same advice
I don’t go out very much because I’m broke, but oh boy, once I’m rich, I’m gonna have to come up with another excuse.
I’ve just checked and there’s no mention about sexting in the 10 commandments so we’re good to go.
Dog: *sniffing tree for a long time*
Me: What was that all about?
Dog: “Urine: A Novel,” by Spot. I enjoyed it. Well-paced, interesting plot, good character development.
wtf? Somehow in the past 9 months, someone has snuck in & shrunk my winter clothes
DATE’S FATHER: if you could have dinner with anyone alive or dea-
ME: Launchpad McQuack
HIM: I don’t think you underst-
ME: Launch👏pad👏Mc👏Quack👏
Friend: Okay dating is really easy. You just have to act super natural
*later on date*
Me: *napkin on head* ooOOOooOo
Children really brighten up a home.
They never turn the lights off…
ME: my clothes are getting smaller
WIFE: you’re probably just putting on a little weight
ME: *pulling lint from dryer* then explain this
Worst feeling in the world is when you are loyal to all your 6 girlfriends but your favorite one is cheating on you!!
My son got mad unfollowed me… I disconnected his phone.
-I win
protagonist: tag you’re it
antagonist: no you’re it
pennywise: are you kidding me?
Yesterday I watched a clip about a 71-year-old female body builder.
Today I used my pants as a napkin because the couch was too far from the kitchen.
her: [texts something funny]
me: [types hahahaha]
me: [stares at it]
me: [deletes one ha]
Throwing burgers around furniture because I have a hunch that termites only eat wood because they have not tried anything tastier.
me: whatcha guys watching?
10: oh this old timey dinosaur movie
The Land before time. They were watching… The land before time…
Remember kids, it’s not a true burn if there are grammatical errors.
If I had any self control I’d probably eat that too.
April 1st is the class clown of days.