Dog: *sniffing tree for a long time*
Me: What was that all about?
Dog: “Urine: A Novel,” by Spot. I enjoyed it. Well-paced, interesting plot, good character development.
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me: so this is twitter, and these are all the people who follow me
dad: and they like you?
me: haha oh goodness no
Dads watch golf because they know no one will join them
I taught myself how to play the drums and I’m not very good at it. How can I tell if I’m a bad drummer or a bad teacher?
The average person swallows over 4,000 spiders each year. More than that. Tens of thousands. Hundreds of thousands of spiders. It’s crazy.
ME: My wife thinks I’m nuts
SQUIRREL THERAPIST: *excitedly* go on
I am astonishingly jubilant that I ultimately uncovered my mislaid thesaurus.
A newly wed guy asked me about marriage. I told him it’s sort of like a museum. You have to be quiet and you can’t really touch anything.
Commenting “this aged poorly” on my friend’s wedding anniversary posts from several years ago now that she’s getting divorced
Millipede Parent: This little piggy went to market…
*ten years later* …and this little piggy went weee all the way home.
“14 years, £20 billion later and my team have finally finished building a Large Hadron Kaleidoscope.”
“You mean Collider?”
“Oh shit!”
Wolverine: [more mad than usual] I woke up today ON THE ROOF
Prof. X: [glares at Magneto]
Magneto: OH SURE IMMEDIATELY BLAME ME
Women aren’t that complicated. They just want an honest and genuine guy who will give them insincere compliments they might not deserve.
If I had a million dollars for every time I looked at the negative side of things, I’d have way too many god damn taxes to pay.
Flight Attendant: Is anyone on this plane a doctor
*Hands shoot up*
FA: …of love?
*I rise, resplendent in my leopard-print leisure suit*
Guy – “Hey are you famous?”
Me – “No.”
Guy – “Oh you look like this comedian.”
Me – “I don’t speak English.”
Guy – “Oh! Where are you from?”
Me – “The Ukraine.”
Guy – “My father is Ukrainian.”
Me – “Oh, then I’m from Spain.”
[slipping waiter a five dollar bill]
can you make sure my green beans and mac n cheese don’t touch on the plate
2016: No way will Trump win the election
2017: No way will President Trump fire all those nukes
2018: No way we’re doing what those Apes say
The world is my oyster and I’m allergic to shellfish.
Gonna ask this security guard if I can please have security footage of the sick parallel parking job I just executed next to his building.
I don’t know why people say Twitter isn’t a dating app. I’ve encountered plenty of available married men here.
If she’s interested in you she will reply
If she isn’t, she won’t
Unless she’s thinking about it then who knows how long it could take
Me: *deals cards* okay boys what’ll it be
Quarterback: i pass
Roofer: i raise
Telemarketer: i call
Optometrist: i see
Origami Artist: i fold
Whenever I work out, I wear a push-up bra so I can do more push-ups. If I didn’t, it’d be so embarrassing and people would laugh at me.
ME: eat your veggies so you grow up big and strong
SON: *looks me up and down* you didn’t eat your veggies, did you
ME: *under breath* damn, son
GOD: there, my first animal 🙂
SNAKE:youre not done right? How am I supposed to move?
G:like this*shimmies*
S:
G:just kinda*shimmies*
S:dude
I wonder if soap opera actors know how to carry on regular conversations in real life or if they’re just always saying part of a thought
I don’t even want to eat butter chicken without having some warm leavened flatbread first. That’s a Naan starter for me
People laughed when I said I wanted to be a professional snooker player. They’re not laughing now because it was ages ago.
The coronavirus is exactly like that houseguest who won’t take the hint to leave but who also won’t stop killing people.
My rose versus your carnation.
FLORAL COMBAT!