My rose versus your carnation.
FLORAL COMBAT!
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Me: Hey, remember that actor from the 90s? It’s been forever since I’ve seen them in a movie. I bet they’re super old now.
Google: This actor is three years younger than you.
Me: …Oh. 💀
“It’s too late. You can’t stop it now.”
– Every villain in every single movie moments before the hero stops them now
I’m not sure who’s more drunk, me or the guy wearing my wife’s clothes standing in the mirror.
“Can you validate my parking?”
“You parked beautifully. Your dad would be proud.”
*wipes away tears* “Thanks.”
The 16yo tells me he’s been revising all day. His browser history suggests he’s got his YouTube exam in the morning.
robber: be cool this is a robbery
me: [unbuttons the top three buttons of my shirt]
Me: I just heard a noise
WebMD: Cancer
SUPER-VILLAIN: Join me! Together we would be unstoppable!
HERO: Ok
SUPER-VILLAIN: What’s that now?
HERO: I’m in
SUPER-VILLAIN: Oh. I wasn’t really prepared for you to accept.
HERO: My therapist said to try new things
SUPER-VILLAIN: This is awkward
HERO: I’ll get my stuff
“Well, I guess I’ll stagger around, speak gibberish, & touch all the shit I’m not supposed to while you get irritated.”
Drunks & toddlers.
Me: I’m not paranoid.
Also me: Why are all my targeted ads from dreams I had last night?
i smell a pulitzer
i like video games because they’re the only socially accepted way to ask another adult if they want to play
If I ever get burned at the stake, I’m filling my pockets with popcorn kernels to make a nice snack for the audience.
I waved to a man because I thought he waved at me.
Apparently he waved to an other woman. So to get out of the awkward situation I kept my hand up and a taxi pulled over and drove me to the airport. I am now in Poland starting a new life.
“I’d hit that!” -Helpful blackjack dealer
I’m so tired, I’m thinking of visiting my grandma just so I can take a swig outta her oxygen tank.
“I’m sure it’ll turn up” – Translation: I’m bored of helping you look.
One thing about me, I’m a clear communicator
[in bed]
ME: [turning off table lamp] I’ve finally finished my book
WIFE: What happened in the end?
ME: I saw his stripy shirt behind a tree
I left my milkshake in the yard too long
And the boys got food poisoning
doc: the bad news is your insurance is terrible
me: what’s the good news
doc: you won’t need it for long
Apparently, changing your profile to “Flirty, dirty and a little squirty” gets you kicked out of Christian Mingle.
My kids have been helping our neighbors in their garden and now I’m having Children of the Corn flashbacks.
My review of Godzilla vs Kong is the same as for the last four flicks:
NEED LESS HUMAN TALKY TALKY
NEED MORE MONSTER PUNCHY PUNCHY
the human says there are two options. inside or outside. but if they would simply. elevate their mindset. they would uncover a third option: stand in the doorway. and sniff the air
ME: I wonder if it wrestles cutely too?
ZOOKEEPER: Sir, get out of the panda enclosure.
ME: lol. No. *gets mauled to death by panda*
Know your Norse mythology. Loki. The trickster. Devised the death of heroic god Baldr and those chips that can’t be opened without scissors.
Waiter, Waiter, I don’t eat meat, fish, eggs, gluten or dairy. What do you recommend?
A taxi.
#WaiterJokes #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
I fully support any type of marriage that doesn’t involve me.
I’ve started giving my sons chores that I know they will do, such as:
“Ignore the dishes in the sink”
“Starve the plants until they die”
“Never come out of your room”So far, they’re crushing it