My rose versus your carnation.
FLORAL COMBAT!
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A penguin’s resolutions:
-learn to fly
-slap Todd everytime he says “Cold enough for you?”
-get a girl to let me put her egg between my feet
Me: is everything ok you seem distant
Them: that’s the wrong end of the binoculars
[Wedding night]
Me: Finally! I’ve waited SO long for this
New Father in Law: You’re in the wrong room
Me: Am I? *winks forever*
Siri, when does the restraining order expire?
Everyone: I want to be cremated and my ashes sprinkled into the ocean under the moon while baby turtles hatch and race towards the water while “Circle of Life” plays.
Me: Put me in some aerosol cans and sell me as dry shampoo.
Child: If I was drowning at the same time as our dog, who would you rescue first?
Me:
Child:
Me:
Child:
Me: You, of course.
Child: That took you way too long to answer.
Establish dominance with your psychiatrist by taking notes on his note taking.
There goes my Valentine’s Day plans..
Me: A bird just flew in the building.
CW: That means someone’s gonna die!
Me: *grabs letter opener
Her:
Me: I don’t make the rules Karen
“You’re a HORRIBLE parent!”
– my daughter because I won’t let her use a chainsaw to make a treehouse.
If Disney movies have taught me anything, it’s that the whole ENTIRE world speaks English. Including animals and inanimate objects.
My wife yelled, “This is the LAST TIME I’m going to tell you to take out the trash”, and I thought, thank goodness THAT is finally over.
Person: I evaluate the efficacy of new medications
Me: *nodding* a curator
PAC-MAN: *eating his third ghost* You know, these just aren’t filling.
There’s always that one guy
7:43 pm: I am in an argument with my girlfriend and my anger is justified
7:51 pm: I have just apologized for the Salem Witch Trials
Who called it a washer repairman and a not a spin doctor?
Achievement unlocked – 30th Birthday!
Life Exp +10
Knee HP -10
DOCTOR STRANGE: We are on the event horizon of the future being sucked into the past. The reversal of all we know will be the end of all
DOCTOR NORMAL: I’m not sure strep throat is THAT bad
I made some fish tacos last night.
the ingrates just ignored them and swam away
Surgeon: We had to replace some of your blood but we had to improvise…
Me: You did?
Kool aid guy: OH YEAH!
My husband disappears when I’m angry at him. I haven’t seen him since 2015.
7-year-old: What’s your favorite color?
Me: I don’t know.
7: I thought you went to college.
employee: over 100 ppl were killed by the dinosaurs again
CEO: my God
[10yrs later]
CEO: what if we made a dinosaur theme park again lmao
i say she should just show up at they olympics and run anyway… who gonna catch her?
My husband told me today’s Wordle word as soon as I woke up, so he’s up for grabs if anyone’s interested.
House is clean. Time to sell the children and move.
Wanna know what it’s like to have kids? Picture one of those automatic ball-pitching machines, but instead of balls, it’s questions. And it never shuts off.
ME: Is it true you can smell diseases?
MY DOG: Yes
ME: Well do I have any?
MY DOG: Yes, you’re insane
ME: Wow you can smell that?
MY DOG: No