@truegritrumble

ME: I wonder if it wrestles cutely too?
ZOOKEEPER: Sir, get out of the panda enclosure.
ME: lol. No. *gets mauled to death by panda*

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@NoorShamma

You’re not a mistake.
Mistakes can be fixed.

You’re hopeless.

@Area51eh

This no more tears shampoo sucks. I’ve been feeding it to my friends kid and he’s still crying.

Must be doing something wrong.

@dumbbeezie

Pete Davidson always knows what’s different about you when you ask

@david8hughes

[in Walmart]
“Excuse me, do you have towels?”
“Oh, I don’t work here.”
[leans in close]
“I don’t give a shit where you work.”

@Gupton68

*gets ‘knîf’ and ‘fork’ tattooed on my knuckles so I remember which hands to use when dining with the queen*

@MNateShyamalan

corn maze employee: you can’t smoke in here

me: [flicking lighter] stand back, i’m popping my way out

@OctopusCaveman

Jesus: This is my body
Peter: That’s bread
Jesus: It’s a metaphor dude
Peter: Oh so you’ve been talking in metaphor
Jesus: Sometimes I am Sometimes I’m being literal
Peter: How will we know the difference?
Jesus: It’s easy. If you get something wrong you just go to hell

@david8hughes

[job int]
“Under skills u put ‘not being afraid of pigeons’.”
[nervously shifts in chair]
“That’s right. Why? Do any pigeons work here?”

@heatherjs

If I were a hairdresser, my business cards would say, “I’ll cut you.”