Forgive me Father, for I have sinned.
~What is your sin, child?
My husband and I are arguing
~That’s very common.
…about my boyfriend.
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I could be a masseuse, or I could just be pulling your leg.
Million dollar idea: an alarm clock that plays Nickelback if you hit snooze.
You’re not a geek or a nerd because you always have to have the latest high tech gadgets and electronics. YOU’RE RICH
The person you are trying to stalk
Is stalking another person..
Please wait
C’mere baby, let me help you break that resolution.
I’m THIS MANY drunk!!
*holds up waffle*
On my tombstone:
She died still despising
deconstructed food
Keep me in your thoughts. My wife is unloading the dryer and I can’t find a corn bread muffin I had earlier. Pretty sure I left it in one of those pockets.
I don’t care what nutritionists tell you- tortilla chips ARE a meal. It has everything your body needs:
1.) Tortilla chips
My dog sets an impossible bar on how to greet my wife when she comes home.
If your phone fell in a toilet, you would…
1995: …leave it, toilets are gross
Today: [wrist-deep in urine] BRING ME A BOWL OF RICE NOW
“Wow you’re an English teacher? You must get so mad at the grammar on Twitter!”
I do not give one single shit how you choose to structure your thoughts on this free app made for character limited discussion.
Christmas is a very special time when I give my brother a $100 gift card and he gives me a $100 gift card.
I have no idea where my birth certificate or social security card are, but here are 417 receipts from Target from the past 2 years.
Make it awkward today by asking people what they did for Valentine’s Day.
When they answer “dinner”, you should say “no…after that”.
Instead of onlyfans I spend all my money on onlyfood
When kids try to guess your age it will either be completely flattering or utterly devastating, but never correct.
Child: Hey tomorrow are we still go-
Me: Canceled.
Child: What about-
Me: Postponed.
Child: Well can we-
Me: It’s closed to the public for the rest of the month.
Child:
Me:
Child: This is gonna be a loooong couple of weeks for you.
Can’t believe it’s December again, 2023 seems like yesterday.
Just when you think your marriage is going smoothly your husband eats the last piece of cake.
Mirror mirror on the wall, please make me look like a mix between emaciated and “I’d hit that.”
Dr: Do you limit your alcohol intake?
Me: Yes. As soon as I pass out, I’m done.
I dont smoke, but still wanna take smoke breaks, so I go outside with everyone then just stand there with a lit birthday candle in my mouth.
Gonna install a mirror inside my fridge so that every time I open it to look for a snack, it’s always there.
Go ahead. Order anything you want. Money is no object when we dine at Le Foodcourte du Costco.
I wanna get on a taxi and after riding around a while without saying anything, tell the driver ‘I killed myself on that bridge 2 years ago’
purposely bought tall lace up boots so I’ll never have to be anywhere on time again
I’m tired of the bad jokes, dad. Doubt you can hear me anyway. I’m pullin’ the plug.
“…hi pullin’ the plug, I’m da-”
*pulls the plug*
Him: He’s just not the sharpest tool in the shed.
Her: Nah! He’s more like a shed with absolutely no tools.
[Crime Scene]
Detective: Looks like the killer used a wheelbarrow to dump the victim.
[in the shed a wheelbarrow grins, his seventh kill]