Go ahead. Order anything you want. Money is no object when we dine at Le Foodcourte du Costco.
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Wife: You never listen to me
Me: Of course I do[2 hrs later]
Neighbor: Is your wife home?
Me: No, she took the car to get waxed in Brazil
Villain: Hand over your gun.
*I hand him my gun*
Villain: And your sidepiece.
*I hand him my sock*
I started this account 7 years ago today. I just want to thank all of you for reading my stuff and never showing up to my house.
[gains weight] ugh clothes don’t fit
[loses weight] ugh clothes don’t fit
her: i only eat like once a day it’s called intermittent fasting
me: oh what do you do the rest of the day?
her: adderall
friend: i have no idea how some people have 3 kids
me: they have sex 3 times
Redheaded guys know they can just dye their hair, right? They don’t have to live like that.
Just a thought. Why do trees get naked come Fall? They’re so careless too, just leaving their clothes everywhere
“Your honor, my client is absolutely not a flight risk.”
“What makes you so sure?”
“He is a penguin.”
No one:
Absolutely no one:
Alexa: I’ve found one zoo near you with monkeys.
My yoga instructor was drunk today.
Put me in a very awkward position.
if somone acidentaly walks in while ur in the bathroom, do not react at all. this avoids embarasment & makes them wonder if they are a ghost
me: it’s our third date, you know what this means
him: *confidently* I think I do
me: *saves his number in my contacts*
Is it solipsistic in here or is it just me?
WIFE:The pinata is in the tree out back
ME:Huh? I sent the kids to the one in front
W:What one in front?
*angry bees are just everywhere*
So unfair that I’m banned from Target. The sign said I could take three items into the dressing room and didn’t say one couldn’t be cake.
[second date]
Me: so… is this your first police chase?
Seeing all this inclusion on TV and movies now is making me feel like I grew up in the 1800s…when only my knees did
I approach.
“Girl are you a couch? Cuz I’m gonna try & fail to pick you up.”
She laughs. “I’m Jen.”
My training hasn’t prepared me for this.
imagining a gas station in the 1800s but it’s guys parking their horses as they eat some grain and the guys complain about the price of the grains
girls post instagrams of their boyfriends like theyre toddlers. aww look, he tried a new food! so handsome in his big boy outfit at the wedding! we got sooooo tired on a trip, but he didnt cry once!
Society has this weird perception that nurses are the most nurturing parents.
My kids: My arm hurts when I move it!!
Me: Then don’t do it.
[interview]
BOSS: So you have zero experience?
ME: Hire me & I’ll give u a sweet nickname
B: That’s absurd..
ME: Lazerwolf
B: Welcome aboard
I use a wheelchair. Whenever I’m at a job interview and they ask me what my greatest weakness is, I always want to say, “Stairs”.
This remains in the top 10 best memes of all time.
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[junkyard dog barking viciously and running directly at me]
Me: Wow he must really want me to pet him
excited for my first day at at&t as a network engineer supporting national infrastructure. just unplugged a few things in the server room for my space heater. it’s cold in here. should be fine though
Bed Bath & Beyond starts off pretty normal-sounding, but then it goes galactic.
My 7 year old was tapping away on my Mac tonight and told me he was writing a book. I think you’ll agree it’s one hell of an opening.
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Diet Tip: Your pants can’t get too tight if you never wear any