her: i only eat like once a day it’s called intermittent fasting
me: oh what do you do the rest of the day?
her: adderall
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Based on the incessant amount of times the song is sung in our house we are definitely talking about Bruno.
Friend: Where do you get your sense of humor?
Me: My dad. But don’t say that to him.
F: Why not?
Me: He gets really mad.
School – “Here is an amazing photo of the kids outside enjoying a beautiful spring day!”
Every parent – It would be amazing if my kid weren’t picking their nose
Dads are proud of horror movie characters never turning the lights on
No, YOU’RE the one who had an itch on your chest, reached in your shirt to scratch it and pulled out a limp dryer sheet.
Certainly wasn’t me.
That tweet was so bad I felt sorry for the alphabet.
😂😂😂
The family pet is getting old so we’re all pitching in and throwing the dog poop in the neighbors yard when she can’t make it over there.
Nice try horror movies, but everyone in my generation is already terrified to answer their phones
Some things you recycle, some you throw away. For example: Paper & plastic you recycle. Opportunities, love and your future you throw away.
I came home to a trail of bread leading to the bedroom & of course I followed, only to find my husband in bed with 10 ducks. I’m heartbroken
I don’t know where this squirrel’s husband is but he’s in deep shit
Had my novel “Noah: The Early Years” rejected. They said the story lacks an ark.
Go to an open house and ask the realtor if they’ll stand in the basement with the door closed so you can hear if screams are audible outside
The inventor of the Venn diagram has died. He touched many lives. Some more than others.
When are we gonna admit that those tools we keep by the fireplace are just for killing people?
When my date called himself the boogie man I was afraid we’d spent hours in a noisy club. Imagine my relief when we spent hours just randomly grabbing uncovered ankles from underneath beds.
Top Five Accountant Taboos:
5. Unreconciled difference
4. Doesn’t foot & crossfoot
3. No journal entry support
2. Cooking the books
1. Sex
I would like to nominate my husband for Father of the Year for having the innovation to rename Tomato Soup to Ketchup Soup, thereby getting our kids to actually eat it.
The worst thing a woman can ask a man is “Guess what today is.”
(Wedding)
Priest: They’ve written their vowsWife: *recites beautiful vows*
Me: *takes out notecard* I love you and cheese the same amount
I’ll never buy an electric guitar. Only gas guitars for me thank you very much.
THERAPIST: You’re cured.
ME: Really?!?
THERAPIST: No, of course not. How did that make you feel?
My teen practicing her lawyer skills, “We’re studying Thailand, can we get Thai food to help me understand the culture better?”
Just got kicked out of Walmart for having a concealed belly button.
It’s always humbling when the dinner I had delivered comes with 2 sets of cutlery
At family dinners, I always offer to bring the potato dish. It’s always vodka.
[laying in bed at 2am]
ME: hey siri do they still make grape nuts
SIRI: jesus christ go to sleep
Man, those guys in the Cialis commercial sure are charmed by their wives’ approximations of human behavior
Of course Bruce Willis is going to keep playing the same movie roles. You know what they say about old habits…..