It’s always humbling when the dinner I had delivered comes with 2 sets of cutlery
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just kicked half a dozen toys under the sofa and called my house tidy
Happiness is…
finding your drunk uncle’s change in the couch cushions after he leaves.
crazy how my parents yelled at me as a child to “prepare me for the real world” when the only person who consistently yells at me is my cat
Me: What are you doing?
4yo: I’m scalloping like a horse.
6-year-old: Why do cars have cup holders?
Me: For cups.
6: But you can’t drink and drive.
Twitter is fun because you can post a pic of pizza and people will get mad at you.
My shoes have cute flowers on them so of course I’m looking at those instead of watching where I’m going
When a hot chick puts a pen in her mouth, all kinds of weird shit goes through my mind. Like:
-How’s her penmanship?
-Can she do my taxes?
Jesus Christ. They stole your tweet. Not your first born son.
ME: *gets down on one knee*
HER: omg
ME: *gets down on both knees* whoa these muscle relaxers are awesome
Me as a therapist: omg same
[Masterchef]
Gordon Ramsay: describe the dish
Me: *proudly* ceramic, chef
*tosses incriminating letter into the fireplace*
ME: will someone please light a fire in this fireplace
[family thanksgiving in 2020]
HER: hey the turkey is still frozen
ME: everyone else says it’s fine mom try logging out and back in
“Not Waldo, Not Waldo, Not Waldo, Not Waldo, Not Waldo, Not Waldo, Not Waldo, Not Waldo, Waldo, Not Waldo”–Where’s Waldo Audiobook
I bought myself hot pink earbuds so my son would quit stealing them and now my wife stole my earbuds.
My toddler has had a rough day. I gave her regular milk instead of chocolate and Peppa Pig didn’t oink enough
I don’t got that dog in me. I got that cat in me. Bam knocked your water cup right off the counter. Now I’m gonna take a nap
“If you could take one thing from a burning house, what would it be?” THE FIRE. I WOULD TAKE THE FIRE AND PUT IT OUTSIDE. Easy. Next.
Daughter: what’s nostalgia?
Wife: it’s when you miss something that’s really old.
[later]
Me: I’m home from work!
Wife: aw we missed you!
Daughter: [whispers] nostalgia.
My 5-year-old loves pickles so much that I have to cut her off like she’s some drunk dude at a bar, “you’ve had enough, buddy.”
Is there a Twitter acronym for “Ur screenshot tweet is really funny, but my anxiety about ur phone battery % prevents me from enjoying it”?
GYM COMMERCIAL: sign up now with no commitment
ME: finally a program for me
him, on one knee: will you marry me
her: OMG
onlookers: say yes! say yes!!
me: *mouth full of hotdog* tell us the biggest fight you’ve had so far
Be like a cat and never give up on closed doors.
[wife gets home] did you feed the baby his spinach today?
[me doing push ups] hell no I’m not letting that baby get stronger than me
[inventing facebook]
Everyone: My family isn’t racist.
Mark Zuckerburg: Oh ahahahahaha
You can’t make this shit up 😩
(photo not mine, nor is the pooh)
Donald Trump is like the “Scream” movies in that he blurs the line between comedy and horror.
Still disappointed that a goblet is just a cup and not a miniature goblin.