It’s always humbling when the dinner I had delivered comes with 2 sets of cutlery
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No matter how lazy you feel, just remember that Goldilocks decided to take a nap during a b&e.
BREAKING: Emotionally disturbed man gets into Trump Tower.
He was stopped by security, but not before being named a senior advisor.
I once stayed at an AirBnB with a big sign above the sink saying to not spit in it. I stood there with toothpaste in my mouth for many minutes before finally spitting in the toilet. I still don’t know what they wanted us to do, and I will never forget.
AI is trained on what we write, so if we want to save our jobs we should all write really badly for a while. I’ve been doing my bit for years.
Today’s Tarot Card: I warned you not to pet the Hell Hounds.
I would rather weave a suit out of my grandfather’s pubic hair than “pull an all-nighter” with you.
it’s weird that the skin that holds in all the organs of our body can be opened with a sharp piece of paper seems like a huge design flaw
Donkey Kong sommelier
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Sometimes I buy enormous pants and take a picture of myself holding them up just to feel like I lost a ton of weight.
restaurant
Waiter: Your coffeeMe: Could I have a little spoon please?
Waiter: Certainly
*delicately embraces me from behind*Me: lovely
friend: what’s the difference between ignorance and indifference?
me: I don’t know and I don’t care
CBS: “Tom Petty is dead.”
Tom Petty: “Don’t do me like that.”
The person in the hotel room above me appears to be getting their 10,000 steps for the day in RIGHT NOW
When you grab your toddlers blanket out of the dryer make sure to check that your panties aren’t stuck to it before your toddler goes into school. I know this now.
[watching as my wife throws out a box of miscellaneous cords] no! my legacy
I was very proud of myself for eating a healthy dinner. So naturally I rewarded myself with a bowl of ice cream.
*walks in on you sitting on the toilet* “Scooch over.”
I think my husband is psychic!
“Honey, what do you think of this outfit?”
{from other room}
“You look great!”
“Dude, do you NOT know what a collar on the doorknob means?”
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Daughter: Do you think Freddie Mercury and Edgar Allen Poe would get along?
Me: Huh?
Daughter: Cuz he’s just a Poe boy from a Poe family.
Me: We appreciate things to the extent that we’re deprived of them. To put it another-
Wife: You ate my chocolate cake, didn’t you?
Me: Yes.
There is no panic like the panic you feel when you think you may have clogged the toilet at someone else’s house.
“Don’t bite the hand that feeds you” maybe just don’t bite hands. Shouldn’t have to qualify it
Some people are uncouth but not me, I’m super couthy.
I wasn’t always a Reply Guy. I used to talk to the TV.
Sorry, but Apple making driverless cars isn’t breaking news. It’s been going on ever since they introduced the iPhone.
Had my novel “Noah: The Early Years” rejected. They said the story lacks an ark.
Connor Sadzeck Connor Happyzeck
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Rose: [in Titanic] I’ll never let go, Jack
Jack: 🥶
Elsa from Frozen: lol know what would be funny right now