ME [proudly]: I threw a penny in and made a wish
CORONER [reopening the chest cavity]: ugh we talked about this
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I use my imagination to solve problems.
And by imagination, I mean booze.
me looking at the supermarket camera after eating a grape
ME: How are you?
GUY WHO JUST FOUND OUT ABOUT THE WORD ROBUST: Robust.
[heaven]
Abraham Lincoln: If only I’d stayed in that night instead of going to that show.
Batman’s parents: Same.
My sister teaches 1st grade. A boy in her class had a tantrum and screamed “I hate you!” and she gently replied “I know. It doesn’t matter.”
If I ever run into my doppelgänger I’m going to steal his liver.
I’m sorry I pretended I was dead when I saw you at a grocery store.
Nature can teach us a lot about navigating the workplace.
Reject new projects like a deciduous tree: “Conditions are unfavorable for me to accommodate additional photosynthesis, so I will be dormant for the winter.”
the hardest part of your wife going into labor is everyone interrupts the movie by asking questions
Every time I play guitar at home, my wife goes looking for a cat we don’t have.
ME: I don’t really eat any meat except for fish
DATE: oh so you’re a pescatarian
ME: ummm I guess if I’m crossing the street?
Dear burglar, I’m really sorry about all the mess getting in your way, I wasn’t expecting company
Riding up in the elevator with a bunch of children. So much screaming & crying. You’d think one of them would ask me what the hell’s wrong.
Is it rude to try and brush someone’s teeth while they’re talking to you?
My favorite people are the ones that like to pass judgement on others because they have obviously lead a perfect life
Of course I want to connect with my high school boyfriend’s mom thank you LinkedIn.
Hugh Jackman implies the existence of a small ackman
For security reasons, I highly recommend that you leave one of your children home during the holidays to set elaborate booby traps in case of intruders.
Walk around with the same confidence of a toddler who has chosen their own clothes.
If you died and became a ghost haunting a graveyard you’d save ~$800 a month in rent. That’s over 600k a year. Being broke is a mindset and there’s no excuse for it
Bike is short for Bichael.
Me: The brake pads breaked.
Mechanic: Broke.
Me: The broke pads breaked.
Stretching and yawning at the same time might not look so sexy but it looks like you’re a Pokemon evolving so that’s cool.
Crazy sister put: “I had a child very young so I had to mature quickly” on her resume once. Put her email address as MONKEYTUSHIES87 too.
Go ahead and kidnap me. You’ll return me when my meds wear off.
I always assumed the movie “Grease” got its title from how those characters managed to fit into those pants.
All women want is to have a relationship with an intelligent man. The only problem is that intelligent men don’t get into relationships.
Her: If your goal was to piss me off today then congratulations
Me: That’s ridiculous. My goal was just to be congratulated for something.
There’s only one good girl here!
I want to open a pizza shop called “Cheesus Crust!” Our slogan will be: “Heavenly ingredients, served hot as Hell.” -or- “Crust has risen.”