If you died and became a ghost haunting a graveyard you’d save ~$800 a month in rent. That’s over 600k a year. Being broke is a mindset and there’s no excuse for it
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After years of beta testing, my body is ready to launch OS X Cougar.
Peanut butter
You’re almost as good as chocolate
Which is almost as good as cheese
Which is tied with vodka-Poem about the food pyramid
art teacher: …and that’s how you paint a perfect face
Picasso: *running in* sorry, I’m late. what did I miss?
“Daddy, what happens when we die?”
“You get married and have kids”
[day 3: stuck in elevator]
girl: if we don’t eat we’ll die soon
me: *waiting for her to die so I don’t have to share the meatballs in my pocket* how soon?
dear teenage me, it’s the future. no flying cars but you will write jokes on a telephone. no don’t kill yourself it’s actually pretty fun
I’m at my most Disney Princess when I fight with my stepfamily before drunkenly losing my shoe at a party.
Not sure what’s more creepy, sifting through the trash dressed like a clown at 3am…or my neighbor peeking out his window watching me.
Seize the day. Repossess the evening. Impound last week. Forcibly confiscate the entire month of September.
Haters gonna hate…
Masters gonna bate.
What do we want?!
A WRITER WHO CAN WRITE SHORTER PROTEST CHANTS FOR US THAT SUCCINCTLY ILLUSTRATE OUR DEMANDS!
When do we want it?!
NOW!
Some people are like water balloons; they’re more fun when you throw them out the window.
my Playstation got stolen… i have no one to console me.
[SPEED DATING]
HER: Hi, is this seat free?
ME: By all means.
HER: *drags chair across room
ME: WTF?
HER: *laughing, sits with another couple
I have unresolved anger issues with all the pistachio nuts I ever failed to open.
Felony is a beautiful name for a girl
How can I relax when every aspect of my physical and mental state is governed by something called The Nervous System?
This was the Moment when twitter decided to double the Size of its Application.
“Let’s agree to disagree.”
TRANSLATION: You’re so painfully wrong on every conceivable level that I just need you to shut up now.
I just made bacon for dessert, I’m not in the mood to be trifled with
Eddie Murphy at the premiere of Purple Rain, 1984.
*plans eclipse viewing party*
*buys special glasses*
*gets plenty of snacks and drinks**wakes up to pouring rain*
*goes back to sleep*
Just walked in front of my cat’s screen while he was on a zoom call.
Teacher: I’m worried because your daughter keeps spelling her name T-R-M-N-L.
Me: but I just taught her how to spell PAIGE.
Teacher: tell me what you told her.
Me: P as in Pterodactyl, A as in Artist, I as in Imaginary, G as in Gnat, and E as in Elephant.
Asking every new person I meet if they’re cake.
My toddler had a meltdown. I finally got her to use her words and she told me she doesn’t like the floor.
So. Yeah.
It took me three decades to become an overnight success.
Got kicked out of the supermarket for aggressively cuddling the peaches again
The plural of mouse is mice, so the plural of spouse should be spice and I’m not discussing this any further.
During fireworks is the best time to shoot someone.