I bet kids who live in volcanoes pretend the floor is carpet
You Might Also Like
Having kids is great because you get to ask fun questions like why is there a volleyball in the refrigerator?
Me: She loves me, she loves me not, she loves me, she loves me not, she lov-
Wife: CAN YOU JUST PEEL THE SHRIMP PLEASE
It’s taken 7 years but I’m beginning to see the correlation between my kid’s hyperactivity and his sugar intake.
Them: how does 9am sound?
Me: sounds like you’re dead to me
No more excuses…
…I’m canceling that gym membership.
What Bob, you’re interrupting.
Me: My first wife loved this movie.
Wife: I AM your first wife!
Me: And you love this movie, DON’T YOU?!?
Russian computer: “Enter password”
Me: “Beef stew”
Russian computer: “Password not stroganoff”
Enough with the false promises. If you turn on your left signal, you turn left. I don’t care if it was a mistake. You’re turning left now.
Me: Why did you throw that pencil at your brother?! You could have poked his eye out!
9: But I didn’t
Me: Not now but it could have hit him
9: But it didn’t
Me: That’s not the point! He could have gotten hurt
9: But he didn’t
Me: (pulls out wine cork with teeth)
I tried to get fired from my job but my boss told me it’s not happening and to make her some Dino nuggets and bring her bunny to the table.
Alexa doesn’t hear when I ask her a direct question but will hear me mumbling from across the room so I can only assume she’s related to my husband
Based on the sounds coming from my neighbors’ house, they’re either having amazing sex or putting together a dresser from Ikea.
If you think a dragon is going to solve all your problems you’re probably right.
Standing in the boys clothes section at Kohls waiting for my wife. I just realized I look creepy. Better move to the little girls section.
coworker: look at my baby
me: wats his name
coworker: jeremy
me: how do u kno
coworker: we named him jeremy
me: wat if he already had a name
But I meant it as a compliment when I said your baby looks like a pug.
Just refilled my Smartwater water bottle with regular dumb water…
So far, nobody can tell the difference.
what everyone’s tl looks like now that we can retweet ourselves
Me: I know it hurts, but you’ll learn to love again.
Sheep: I don’t know. I can’t even look at ewe right now.
Hear me out. Organ harvest festival.
I microwave ramen noodles right before I go to bed so that they’re finally cool enough to eat when I wake up in the morning.
The worst part about re-watching Home Alone is you just know Kevin’s parents bought this house for like $250K.
I tell my boyfriend I love him all the time and all he says are things like “make a left in 300 feet” and “you’ve reached your destination.”
My 10yo just RickRolled me so I’m busy choreographing a first day of middle school flash mob to teach this twerp a lesson.
People who think getting friendzoned is bad have clearly never been Autozoned.
My parents couldn’t understand how my wife could divorce me.
Until I moved back in with them.
Why is it so dry under the lawn chairs? Cause the lawn canopy
Interviewer: So you were a Chernobyl tour guide?
Me: Yes, I was.
Interviewer: I see you have glowing reviews.
Me: Yeah, you might want to put those down