Text from my best friend: Please take your mom with you to the salvage yard when you pick up that part & introduce her as your mechanic
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Our family rule is that if the kid’s costume costs more than $50, they have to wear it to school at least four times after Halloween.
Is it wrong that I lied on my tinder profile about how many tusks I have?
Me: *buys a baseball cap shopping with my 13yo Niece, rips off the tag, and curves the brim*
Niece: *stares at me like I committed a murder in front of her*
Gonna spend the day staring at the Sun. Eclipse practice.
The house is clean, just don’t open any drawers or doors.
<— only has 13 problems left.
Turns out, getting divorced cured 86 of em!
beauty fades, drunken texts at 2am are forever
“we want grandchildren” sorry hope you like podcasts
Saw a billboard that said “if you can plan a wedding, you can plan for a natural disaster” and like, aren’t those the same thing?
Hey guys, can so cleanse your timeline with a doggy trying to secretly steal its chewy from its sibling?
Thank you.
Credit: Imgur/bonjouretatsunis1776
What’s the purpose of hanging plants on your porch? Is it a warning to the other plants in the neighborhood that you’re not a house to be trifled with?
Cinderella was a mess. I mean, I have bad taste in men, but at least I never settled for a guy who couldn’t remember what my face looked like.
My 4YO asked me, “can I take your picture mama cuz you’re so beautiful,” but it was actually because she wanted my phone to look for YouTube videos.
Spent the day at the zoo watching animal parents sleeping. Currently building a cage around my house.
“I just can’t wait to hear the audible gasps of amazement from everyone who enters my house.”
-Me after spending 6 minutes cleaning
It’s 2024 and we have Batman shampoo but STILL no Conditioner Gordon.
When I die, don’t burn or bury me. Instead, skip my stiff body across a still lake like a smooth flat stone.
Never put a toaster in the bathtub. Nobody likes soggy toast.
I love Buzzfeed because all the headlines are something a drunk girl would say right before passing out. “Um did you know corgis can wink??”
Autocorrect and I are so close, we finish each other’s sentinels.
My first thought after seeing some recent footage of UFOs in our airspace was, “Guys, could you come back at a better time?”
Piglet: *sees recipe book* Honey-glazed…Pooh, what’s ham?
WinniethePooh: A food that goes well with honey. Now, how about a nice hot bath?
He said he wanted to “put more than just words in my mouth” and I was like “I hope you mean hamburgers.”
That was your first time water skiing?
“Yeah”
I’ve never seen anyone that good. Incredible.
“Thanks”
What’s your name anyway
*Jesus winks*
[Breaking up]
It’s not you, I’m just trying to focus more on Batman now.
I admire women with the restraint to draw on their eyebrows. I wouldn’t be able to stop until I’d added glasses and a moustache.
I was an English major, which means I may or may not be able to get you out of a dangerous situation, but *patting your arm* at least I can write a 5-paragraph essay on the fatal flaw that led you to it.
Six-year-old: “Dad why do you have to go to work?”
Me: “If I didn’t go to work who would buy your transformers?”
Six-year-old: “Dad the money for transformers doesn’t come from your work. I pay for those by doing extra chores.”
Calm down penguins. You’re just a flashy suit and a few body parts away from being a platypus.