Gonna spend the day staring at the Sun. Eclipse practice.
![]()
You Might Also Like
Really wanted to be a therapist until I got a Twitter account and read some of you guys problems and I want nothing to do with that mess
math teacher: I said to bring your protractor to class
boy with cowboy hat: I’m just a good old fashioned country boy, I ain’t need nothin fancy, this simple tractor should do the job just fine ma’am
I like the concept of restaurant appetizers: “Bring me something to eat. And bring me something else to eat while I’m waiting.”
I don’t know why a dingo would steal a baby when you can steal cool stuff like rollerblades.
“Everybody loves us weird girls, right up until we start doing weird girl shit,” I say to my cat, as we watch a documentary about serial killers in our matching onesies.
Me: Im still mad at you for last night
Hub: Well Today is the 1st. Which means that happened last month. Which means youre being ridiculous
Me as a teen: Only 150 hours?
Me as an adult: I will literally pay you more money to make this game shorter
I have boogers but they are too big for these holes.
-my 5 yo on blowing his nose.
If there was any question as to what kind of teenager my 7yo will be, last night she pulled out a toy cellphone and started pretend texting during her own bedtime story
Wife: we can’t curse around the kids anymore.
Me: what should I say instead of bull-
Wife: shhh say snake instead.
Me: [whispers] this is snakeshit.
Why do kids always want to grow up to be astronauts or doctors or racing drivers or football players, but never quiz show hosts. They literally get paid for asking questions. Surely there’s some transferable skills there.
I get very stressed out when characters in movies are told a rapid-fire list of things to do and don’t write it down.
Melania Trump doesn’t want to live in the same place as her husband.
More than half of America feels the same way.
Not to brag but I don’t need alcohol to do something stupid.
an impostor shall come to you
he shall speak pleasing words and promise you the world
but in his name you shall know him a fraud![]()
I’m now at an age where I can use phrases like ‘I’m now at an age.’
Woke up a fully assimilated sighborg.
My 4-year-old thinks the 5-second rule means she can eat anything off the floor if she waits 5-seconds first. That M&M was from last Easter.
The 5 Love Languages
Physical Touch: my loneliness is killing me
Words of Affirmation: I must confess I still believe
Quality Time: When I’m not with you I lose my mind
Gift Giving: give me a sign
Acts of Service: hit me baby one more time
Me: I want to buy a keyboard
Yamaha: yep
Me: … and a guitar
Yamaha: yeah we got you bro
Me: also weird q but do you know where i can find a jet ski?
Yamaha: you’re not gonna believe this
Sometimes I worry that maybe I’ll never have sex again then I look at OKCupid and kind of start to feel at peace with the idea.
Me: I would literally die for my friends, I love them so much
Therapist: but what about you? Do you love yourself enough to d-
Me: oh I would die for myself too
It’s awkward when I have to pull someone aside and point out that my fly is open.
An umpire pulling out a small broom and sweeping his date’s chair before she sits down.
I can’t find my ceremonial porcupine.
Don’t pretend like your cat wouldn’t 100% microwave fish if they had half a chance.
Guy in the parking lot tried to sell me a “Rolex” watch. I should probably change because I must look stupid today.
Why are you breaking up with me?
“You treat your dog like a baby. It’s weird”
Shh *puts hands over dog’s ears* he’s 26 months he understands
isaac newtown got hit in the head & invented calculus. i broke my nose last night when I was drunk & invented a louder version of crying.
big fan of the comma, just great. like look, i just made you pause the sentence as you read it. oh look, i just did it again.