Gonna spend the day staring at the Sun. Eclipse practice.
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[first date]
Her: I love big hearted people
Me {trying to impress her}: I have hypertrophic cardiomyopathy
What if I don’t take meds?
Dr: Depression
What are the side effects of meds?
Dr: Depression
What if I stop taking the meds?
Dr: Depression
The shower scene from Psycho, but instead of a knife, Norman Bates is wielding a ferocious Chihuahua
I need to be drunk looking in the passport picture because I’ll certainly be drunk when I’m traveling.
I took a BEFORE picture of my living room, and then I set a timer for 30 minutes. The AFTER picture looked the same?? 🤔
My daughter’s principal made a surprise visit to every 5th grader’s house to hand out “class of 2020” bags, t-shirts, and beach towels.
Let me tell you, you haven’t lived until you’ve stood in your doorway braless in pajamas chatting with your kid’s principal.
Doctor: you’re never too old to start exercising
Me: cool thanks i’ll start in maybe like 15 years then
you heard me, make the middle of my dress look like a slice of pizza
If by “unload the dishwasher” you mean take out clean utensils as I need them, then yes I unloaded the dishwasher.
Just found out the last message the Mars Rover sent was, “my battery is low and it is getting dark,” and I will be using the same message for anyone who texts me to hang out after 630pm
Me: Can I have a Batmobile?
Santa: Be realistic.
Me: Ok, pass my Masters & get a good job?
Santa: I’ll leave the Batmobile in the garage.
The reason I don’t use Uber is any one of you could be a driver.
*admires David at the museum* I can’t believe a teenage mutant ninja turtle sculpted this
I just learned that ratatouille is a meal and not just a Pixar movie.
Romantically smoking a postcoital cigar from both ends with your lover like in Lady and The Tramp
one of the funniest things in the universe is lmfao making an album called “party rock”, followed by an album called “sorry for party rocking”, followed by them vanishing off of the face of the earth
discovered i giggle in my sleep after downloading a sleep app and assume i will soon become a serial killer
Stupid autocorrect changing “restraints” to “restaurants”
One time a cute guy I liked mooned his friend as a prank but there was a tiny piece of toilet paper in his crack & it haunts me to this day
Did you know that Icy Hot remains on your fingers 6 hours after application? Well I do, because I wear contacts.
Letting the grocery bagger bring my groceries out sounds nice but I can’t handle trying to remember where I parked in front of a stranger.
Welcome to your 40’s. Now you get excited about finding your car in a parking lot.
How all things should be taught/explained.
Horror Movie Protagonist – *uses dead person’s grimy-blood-covered-severed hand to unlock the fingerprint lock on their phone to call for help*
Me – *can’t get the fingerprint lock on my phone to recognize my recently-washed-clean finger when I forget my password again*
I think marriage should be between a robot and a spider horse because I’m a retarded man child and this is what I bring to the conversation.
I get most of my exercise these days from shaking my head in disbelief.
No thanks Cupid. If I wanted butterflies and my heart skipping beats, I would do something less ridiculous like lose my phone.
My 4-year-old is playing doctor with her baby dolls.
She walked by a minute ago holding just a leg.
Surgery didn’t go well.
My friend keeps saying that every time he goes to Taco Bell he gets diarrhea.
I said, try ordering Tacos instead.
Nighttime is not for sleeping. It is for eating all the chocolate chips out of trail mix while thinking of every possible outcome for a situation you can’t control.