I can’t find my ceremonial porcupine.
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I just accidentally uploaded this instead of my invoice on a company’s invoicing portal and I can’t delete it
A new Ocean’s 13 but it’s me assembling a team of highly skilled thieves to help break my kid’s toys out of their packages
Fitbits are just like Tamagotchis, except the stupid little creature you have to keep alive is yourself.
me: want to go hunting this weekend?
friend: sure i’m game.
me: oh then you probably shouldn’t come.
> what do you want to be when you grow up?
[7 year old me watching Jurassic Park] a UNIX hacker!
*fast forward 28 years*
> So you’re still fixing printers then?
The date was going splendidly until my mom called and we argued over my curfew in front of her.
(doing standup routine)
Dating! Dating is tough man! I gotta explain the amulet that fuels my greed but also is the only thing keeping Beelzebub at bay?? After going on bumble it’s like screw it!
Beelzebub (cheering from the crowd): take the amulet off!
ADAM: oh look the McRib is back
EVE: stop calling me that
I honestly don’t have time for subtweets.
Especially from you-know-who.
ME: I did it! I finished that project!
IMMUNE SYSTEM: good job!
ME: time for a nice break
IMMUNE SYSTEM: me too
ME: haha yeah
ME: wait
Food that tastes nothing like its name:
egg roll
pineapple
hamster
Me: You need to eat vegetables instead of candy if you want to be tall.
4-year-old: I’ll just be small and happy.
Material Girl is my favorite song about a seamstress.
there’s literally no way to know for sure how many chameleons are chillin in your house right now
Me: “Jesus, please make me a better person…”
Jesus: *deletes my account*
Me: “NOT LIKE THAT!”
{Couples Counseling}
THERAPIST: Tell me what you love most about each other.HER: He’s so kind.
ME: If we don’t have cheese she goes and buys cheese.
Them: Are you single?
Me, stuffing food in my face: Oh no. I’m at least a double. Probably a king sized
Holy shit a street psychic just stopped me & said I’m a special person who cares deeply about some things & I’m freaking ’cause that’s SO me
What if Bing is just a guy in his office Googling stuff for you and doing his best
My 19 year old refers to the show The Blacklist as “The Adventures of Crime Dad” and now you will too.
You’re welcome.
Don’t forget to tip your server
me: if only i could sleep AND get motion sickness
waterbed salesman: you’re not gonna believe this
So you’ve had white presidents, a black president and now an orange one. I’m crossing my fingers for the Hulk next time around.
How to Feel Comfortable in Your Own Skin
Step 1: Stop wearing other people’s skin
I bought a metal detector.
Beach better have my money.
Truth or dare should be renamed to “interrogation or humiliation”
I wrote a haiku about mansplaining for the Thursday contest and my husband offered to “look at it and make sure it fit the 5-7-5 format.”
ME: we can probably take our masks off now since we’re outside
BANK ROBBER: you massive idiot
If you put healing crystals in a sock and beat someone with it do they cancel each other out?