ADAM: oh look the McRib is back
EVE: stop calling me that
You Might Also Like
Mozzarella sticks in the streets, mozzarella sticks in the sheets.
There’s never a bad time for mozzarella sticks.
man cave? she shed? no no. im in my theysement
Birdbox, but it’s just me yelling at you not to look when the lights accidentally come on during sex.
There’s a book called “Why Women have sex” by Cindy Meston. The author also wrote”Why Men have sex” but I’m guessing thats just a pamphlet.
I’m scared to open any email with a photo attachment because of all this talk about photobombing.
“President Clinton, can you respond to rumors of renewed infidelity?”
The only woman in my life is my darling *squints at notecard* Hitlery
I hum “Eye of the Tiger” when I have to stand-up from a low couch
Me: It’s time to eat healthier and get in shape!
Also me: Excited my ice cream maker will be here in 2 days with Amazon Prime!
Moving is a lot more fun when you make the Movers carry you on top of the mattress like an Egyptian pharaoh
Sex is like lasagna – there’s absolutely no reason for it to involve spinach in any form.
Where have you been all of my life and can you please go back there.
I thought I was losing weight but it’s just my hair getting thinner.
dammit i HATE this slowass coffee machine [gandhi walks into breakroom] and not finding strength in my suffering. also hate that. mornin sir
TSA agent: I’m sorry we don’t allow liquids over 3.4 ounces
me: ok I’ll finish it here [drenches myself with Axe deodorant]
Twitter is like being able to read every toilet wall in the world.
*stares at bottel of sleepin pills* when wil they wakE UP
My sex tape is me laying on the bed trying to zip my skinny jeans from last year.
My wife texted me from the bedroom last night saying she ate crackers in bed and she needed help changing the sheets because crumbs were everywhere.
Turns out that was not an excuse to get me in the bedroom for sex. She literally ate crackers like our 4 yo.
White parent Vs Arab parents
Boss: HR wants to see you
Me: What for?
Boss: Mandatory drug test
Me: Oh man, I really can’t do any more drugs after the weekend I had
My favourite part of the Bible is when the little guy finally throws his ring into the volcano.
“I love my Job!” -Job’s wife
What kind of shit holiday encourages kids to ring my doorbell AND ask for free food?
So many accidents occur in the home. I once turned a dimmer switch too fast and got beamed into another dimension
When will I learn that smoking as much as possible before I go to the airport won’t keep me high for my entire flight it’ll just make going through security Terrifying
I keep overhearing people complaining about eavesdroppers.
*a dog sits down at a roulette table and pushes his life savings in chips to the center*
Put it all on Grey
After years of commercials, I still have no idea what a Go Daddy is
I just want a girl that’s nice and sweet that doesn’t require a lot of money and I can dunk them in milk wait, a cookie, I want a cookie