TSA agent: I’m sorry we don’t allow liquids over 3.4 ounces

me: ok I’ll finish it here [drenches myself with Axe deodorant]

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I went into a bookshop earlier carrying a book. I seem to have put my book down to browse other books and left with no books. Have called the bookshop but they’re struggling to find my lost book amongst all the books. This is the stupidest thing I have ever done


My daughter, watching Omicron news: “I think we took a wrong turn in the choose-your-own-adventure.”


I just noticed the light fixture in the bathroom is off center, so no, I won’t be renewing my lease.


Teenaged girls post pics of their bodies and they’re ‘sexy.’

I post pics of my bodies and I’m a ‘Serial Killer.’


Almost hit someone with my car just to get their attention…

It’s safe to say that flirting isn’t my strong point.


Having a tea party is fun until your daughter tells you that she got the water from the toilet


Cinderella & Clark Kent would be a fun couple. Any time she took off her shoe or he took off his glasses, it’d be: “Who the hell are you?!”