TSA agent: I’m sorry we don’t allow liquids over 3.4 ounces
me: ok I’ll finish it here [drenches myself with Axe deodorant]
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I don’t understand why people get embarrassed buying condoms. It’s much more awkward trying to return them. “Uhm… she didn’t like me.”
*peeks under bathroom stall*
How’s the wifi signal in there?
[God creating burps]
Ok, that’s gross, can we make it come out the other end?
Angel: yes sir
O-M-G! Hahaha! Do it again! Hahahaha! Dead!
Showing that you can fit your fist in your mouth on the first date is only sexy if you can get it back out afterwards
Next time you let someone here affect your real life, tell a stranger “I’m mad at some online person I’ve never met” then let them punch you
A lot of your 30’s involves finding out that the bartender is younger than you and so is your doctor.
The “walk of shame” should be going to a bar the next morning after being drunk looking for your lost debit card.
There’s going to be a full moon this Christmas!
Because mixing family and alcohol together wasn’t enough…
Mars: I’m wet
NASA: I’m coming over
The best way to let someone know you don’t like them is to offer them a healthy snack.
“We only had 5 channels and no remote” is the new “I walked uphill both ways, barefoot to school when I was a kid.”
Drop a house on me, so I know it’s real
If she shovels shit at the local zoo, then she’s a keeper
I’m pretty sure I have all of those countless hours spent playing Tetris to thank for my mad dishwasher loading skills.
Two elderly British ladies greeting each other
I’m not asking questions for that friend anymore. Too embarrassing.
[phone rings]
Guy: is your refrigerator running?
Me: yes my refrigerator is runn-
Fridge [grabs phone]: hello? Yeah actually I do crossfit
Meghan Trainor songs:
-All About That Bass
-Flounder’s Good Too
-Also I Like Shrimp
-Wait, I’m a Vegan
-All About That Kale
So I’m Calling random stores & saying “Hey It’s Michael, Screw you guys, I quit!”…. There’s got to be a Michael at one of these places…
YOLO!
Jesus: Hold my wine!
HER: I don’t know what you’d do without me.
ME:
HER: Please stop imagining all those things.
ME: Ok.
Her: I want to fulfill your deepest desire.
Me: *gives her recipe for my mom’s peach cobbler* The crust is the most important part.
I am “I have to go to bed because my back hurts from sitting on the couch” years old.
After 10 missed calls in a row, I’m tempted to answer the phone just so I can find out who wants to be murdered.
When people write, “your dumb,” maybe it’s not a typo–they just mean stupidity belongs to you. “Here’s your dumb now leave.”
Pandora has spoiled me. Five seconds into any conversation and I’m looking for the thumbs-down button.
Sent my ex a card that said, “Get better soon.”
He’s not ill, just really crap in bed.
The best part of an argument is the make up sex…unless you’re fighting with your brother.
Do dogs understand elevators or are they just like ok it’s time to get into the world changer