Me: this math stuff isn’t gonna help us in the real world
[20 years later]
Boss: ok lift on three
Me: oh shit
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I am “cool” and “chill” and “stuck inside the walk in freezer.”
BARTENDER: okay man, here’s your appletini
MAN: [upset] this isn’t what i ordered
BARTENDER: i’m sorry?
MAN: why isn’t it a tiny apple
[sees a zebra for the first time]
What’s up with that horse?
[sees a giraffe for the first time]
Okay, what the hell is going on today?
I cannot believe all of these people are out!
-Me when I’m out
I saw reduced fat wheat thins at the store and I thought, is this hell?
I think we should elect Bernie. When Isis hears a Jew is president they will all have heart attacks and die.
[first day as a riot cop]
chief: disperse the crowd
me:
T HC R E
O D
W
Someone taught my 3yo the phrase “what in tarnation” so now I know what it’s like raising an 18th century toddler with a potty mouth.
[date]
me: *don’t let her know how awkward you are*
her: nice weather
me: thanks
Me as a chef:
oops! 5 second rule!oops! 5 second rule!
oops! 5 second rule!
Pick up, table two
Waiter: May I take your order?
Yes, roll over and play dead!
Waiter: It’s not that kind of order.
Oh. Sorry. I’ll have the cheese sticks.
Back-to-school tip for parents: while not explicitly forbidden, it is frowned upon to spray champagne on the hood of a departing school bus.
Billion dollar idea: Meth with Flouride
This salad I’m having for lunch tastes a lot like I’m having a greasy burger and onion rings for dinner.
how to exercise your calf muscles
[Heaven]
Me: What happened?
God: You were sending a DM & got hit by a bus.
Me: I only have one ques-
God: Sorry, man. She was totes a dude.
Me: They were out of tampons, so I got you a box of bandaids instead.
Her:
(after spending 15 minutes ripping a video off instagram and reposting it to twitter) who did this 😂😂😂😂😂
If you don’t think Colorado needs a wall then you’ve never met someone from Wyoming
i love leggings with pockets because i can carry my keys, two chicken burritos, and remnants of my dignity
*bites zombie*
I ordered a high powered magnet (1000+lbs) and I think it may have gotten stuck to the delivery truck.
[hitting on a girl]
ME: can I buy you a beer?
HER: no thanks
ME: so two beers then?
HER: i said no thanks
ME: *checking my wallet nervously* ok three beers last offer
I’m married, but not “pass up the opportunity to sleep with Thor” married. Or Wolverine. Or Captain America. Or Jennifer Aniston…
Her: Couldn’t you have picked a better record to beat?
Me: *covered in 13,000 bees* There’s no way this can end badly, Susan.
Shoe repair guy: so what happened?
[cut to me trying to flush myself into the Ministry of Magic from my toilet]
Me: I stepped in a..puddle
I am fed up with all these incest jokes about us Kentuckians. It’s offensive to me as well as Uncle Dad.
Apple has solved laptop theft by making them obsolete by the time thieves get out the door.
“Have you tried… not thinking about skeletons?” my therapist asks.
I look at her.
I look at the skeleton inside her trying to trick me.
Me: By the old gods and the new…may no man ever remove this crown.
Dentist: You can rinse now.