[first day as a riot cop]
chief: disperse the crowd
me:
T HC R E
O D
W
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Me to my worm gf: cmon babe we’re going fishing
*coworker walks into bathroom, triggering the motion sensor that turns the lights on*
ME: [from one of the stalls] Welcome.
My ransom was dropped from $30,000 to fifty bucks when my parents told my kidnappers it’d take 2 days to come up with the money.
I dunno who decided on the spelling of bologna, but it’s obvious he had no idea how letters work.
My favorite thing about single people is how they champion being single till they like someone then they transform into a hypocritcalpotamus
The best part of running at 5am is the irrational, adult fear of zombies to keep you going.
[first date]
“Tell me two interesting things about yourself”
well I lie when I’m nervous…
“ok…”
and I invented oatmeal
[Thanksgiving 2020]
Me *crying*: I’m fine, just chopping onions
Him: that’s a carrot
I love that earthquakes unite strangers online like nothing else. 100,000 people posting “did anyone feel that” and 100,000 other people posting “yeah”
Too embarrassed to buy “skinny jeans”?
Simply buy normal jeans and put on a shitload of weight.
I always close the door to the bathroom even if I’m home alone. What if someone broke in and saw me peeing? That would be so embarrassing
Wife: is that our guinea pig?
Me: yes and I’ve named her gwyn
Wife: why
Me: *whispers* gwyny pig
Not to brag, but I can cure my wife’s insomnia just by taking my clothes off.
Sadiq’s joke in today’s Time Out 👏🏼👏🏼👏🏼
[Snow White accepts poisoned IPhone]
Android user: See?
roses are red / violets are blue
who let the dogs out / who who who who
me, at the big work meeting when my boss walks into the room: all rise!
If I were Australian I’d tweet “OMG Mayan zombies eating my brain.” Then sit back & cuddle a kangaroo & look super sexy while U.S. freaked.
SON: do you HAVE to walk around in just underwear?
DAD: I will if I want. now get me a beer
SON: what aisle?
DAD: do I LOOK like I work here?
Jesus: Honor my sacrifice by refusing meat on all holy days and each Friday.
John the fisherman: *slides Jesus $20*
Jesus: Also, Fish isn’t meat.
Rebranding demon possession as a cure for loneliness.
Me: “If Americans say ‘sidewalk’, what do we mean in England?”
My six year old: “Crab!”
[Sea fishing]
Me: This is fun.
[Deep sea fishing]
Me: Many men go fishing all their lives without knowing that it’s not fish they’re after.
Is there a Chipotle-style restaurant but for oatmeal? Like pick your base and then add all your toppings? This isn’t a joke I think that’s a great idea. Could be called Chipoatmeal idk maybe the name needs work
I don’t need to be rich, it would just be nice to live in a neighborhood where I could be confident that that noise was definitely fireworks
This air is so toxic and unhealthy right now I think I want to date it
I first experienced deep shame and humiliation when my mom told me I should probably start saying “train” instead of “choo-choo train” while I was still at the tender age of 27.
Don’t tell me to “relax” and then get mad when I pee my pants.
My baby girl and I like to play a game called poop or toot. She makes a face and I get to sniff her diaper. There are no winners.