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i dont understand why two people reaching into the same bag of snacks at the same time is considered romantic. like excuse me you are in the way of my snacks
[dog people] here’s my angel Rex! he knows 19 tricks & brings me my slippers every morning!
[cat people] this is Princess Murder who lets me live with her.she pees on everything i love. her interests include screaming & eating bugs. when she asks me to kill for her i will say yes
That earthquake could have been an email.
WHISKERS: There’s nothing there. Go ahead.
BLIND PERSON: *Steps off cliff*
WHISKERS: Technically^– why we don’t have seeing-eye cats
How come NASA sending their black hole to everyone is “Breaking News,” but me sending mine is an “HR violation?”
Blue cheese dressing makes anything a salad. For example, this french fry salad I’m eating right now
me: i think i got bit by a daddy long leg
her: your legs do look longer
me: oh no
her: i’m joking
me: hi joking i’m—OH NO
people are attacking at me with pitchforks simply because i choose to lay still under piles of hay, straw, and leaves at times.
A conga line? Now that‘s something I can get behind
Butt weight. There’s more!
I lost my virginity once and lemme tell you…
NEVER. AGAIN.
hand-to-hand combat, but its just two mimes trying to establish dominance by pushing on opposite sides of the same imaginary box’s wall
Normal adult questions:
– who, what, when, where, why, howNormal 3 year old questions:
– why
– why
– why
– why
– why
– why
– why
– why
My daughter is texting her cousin and just asked me to spell “hallucinations” should I be worried? It’s probably fine
Oh, you like Thanksgiving?
Name 3 pilgrims.
the last thing a carrot sees
I hope God rethinks his decision to allow an intern to run celebrity deaths in 2016.
When my son gets uppity, I like to remind him that I’m totally nailing his mom.
WIFE: can’t wait until we’re old and sitting on the porch so I can tell you all my stories again because you won’t remember any of them
ME: wait… your retirement fantasy is I have dementia?
[Michael Cera knocked backwards by ejecting toast]
The “I Voted” sticker should have a frowny face on it this year.
A dog needs to be the next president.
“A dog can’t-”
When has a dog ever raised taxes or started a war?
“I’ll start the paperwork.”
My husband listens to me like he doesn’t realize there’s going to be a quiz later.
Took my little niece to the zoo. So many questions. “What’s that? Why’s its neck so long? How long does it live?”
I think she got fed up answering in the end.
We don’t know what’s in the vaccine. Could be anything. Microchips? Sure. Toxins? Maybe. Predatory birds? Definitely. This is all a plot to fill us full of falcons because the CDC is in the pocket of Big Talon.
BOOGEYMAN: lauraaaaa…wake up I’m gonna EAT YOU
ME: [wakes up] finally
BOOGEYMAN: what?
ME: let’s do this
BOOGEYMAN: it’s not fun if you want it
ME: look buddy either eat me or get out i have to be up in an hour
BOOGEYMAN: s..sorry [leaves]
My bag of chocolate-covered espresso beans is empty.
In unrelated news, my daughter is swinging Tarzan-style from the ceiling lamp.
Agent: I have a script for you.
Daniel Radcliffe: Is it weird?
Agent: Yes.
Radcliffe: I’ll do it.
Friend: what are your 2018 resolutions?
Me: I didn’t even make 1, let alone 2018 of them
I’ve been a foodie my whole life. When I was little I even added nutmeg to the paste before I ate it.