We don’t know what’s in the vaccine. Could be anything. Microchips? Sure. Toxins? Maybe. Predatory birds? Definitely. This is all a plot to fill us full of falcons because the CDC is in the pocket of Big Talon.
You Might Also Like
Wife: do not eat a bunch of deviled eggs. We got a 3 hour car ride home.
Me: eh it’ll be fine by then they don’t really bother me.
My guts 2 hrs into said car ride: you’re not gonna believe this…
Wizard of Oz: The good news is I can give you a human heart
Tin Man: Then what’s the bad news
Wizard of Oz: We’re gonna need an umanhay acrificesay *side nodding at Dorothy*
Invisible Obama be like “Uhh. Let me be clear”
Pro tip:
If you buy two 30packs at the beer store, you don’t have to make a second trip later in the day.
Good, good, good, if it isn’t that guy who isn’t very well at grammar
nothing makes me feel appreciated at work more than management sweetly saying “have you been helped?” because they have no idea i work here
The feeling of peace when amongst the trees quickly disappears when you notice a coyote nonchalantly walking towards you.
The police are taking me downtown for an interview and I didn’t even apply for the job.
ME: how old are you?
EGG AND CHEESE SANDWICH UNDER A GAS STATION HEAT LAMP AT 8 PM: im breakfast
ME: and how long have you been breakfast?
[Assembling scratching post to save the new sofa]
My cat: lol no
*In the back of an ambulance
Me: Change the radio station
Paramedic: Please don’t speak. You need to save your energy
Me: Im not dying to a Nickelback song
Best thing about drinking in downtown LA is that if u need a bathroom, it’s all around you
A Vampire Bat is easy to spot due to its funny accent and little silk cape
MATH PROBLEM: If you give half of your apple to a friend, what do you have?
ME (through tears): A…a friend
Accidentally threw out the lid of the ice cream. Now I’ve no choice but to eat it all.
Manipulate the interview process by arriving with baked goods.
In my house, we celebrate Mother’s Day a week late, so we can save on all the mothers who are on sale
I’m going to buy a house near the St. Louis Airport and paint “Welcome to chicago” on my roof to confuse people who are about to land.
You can have a child or you can have a phone charger. You can’t have both.
We have a big clock on the wall of our living room and now my toddler, who can’t say her L’s very well, loves pointing out other “big clocks” everywhere we go
Jeff Bezos inches closer to becoming Pitbull
I’m most like a dog when after someone has hurt me I won’t get too close to them again.
Also when I’m eating food that fell on the floor.
I don’t care what pasta costs because it’s worth every penne.
[son hands me a picture he painted]
Me: what’s that
Son: it’s our house
Me [walks outside with son]: do you see how it absolutely isn’t?
Clearance aisles are awesome. I don’t even have a ham but for fifty cents I’m gonna glaze something.
Never know who you’ll run into at the gas station!
I mean, really though, who hasn’t seen a UFO at this point?
me: *texting* I hate to leave this in a text, but due to the new variant, I’m not coming for the holidays
spouse: *walking in the room* Did you just leave me a text?
Just tried to parallel park. 5 people are injured, 3 critical, 6 missing. The casualties continue to mount
SERGEANT: we need you to take out the sniper
ME: [stops licking ice cream cone] now?