A Vampire Bat is easy to spot due to its funny accent and little silk cape
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I introduced my 2yo to Cheerios and now I have to carry a little baggie around wherever we go in case he needs his next fix
If you really want to impress me with the year a bottle of wine was made, bring me one from 2024….
Studies say people with high IQ are lazy. Of course I didn’t read the entire article.
What idiot called it “ectoplasm” and not 🎵JELLO FROM THE OTHER SIDE
Jennifer Aniston: I indulge by eating one chip.
Me: I indulge by eating aisle five at the grocery store.
The crack of dawn is probably just as good as the crack you get at midnight.
my wife and I watching Popeye together but she covers my eyes during the scary bits (when he goes all bulgy and gets belligerent)
Alan Rickman lost in the woods, leaving a trail of perfectly pronounced words
If you say “anyways” instead of “anyway,” that’s alls I needs to knows abouts yous.
I keep having this dream about a guy I chopped up and put in my freezer. I always have to try and hide it when I get a new roommate. The roommate part is really starting to freak me out.
[interrogation]
Where were you last night?
“Out killing people”
Louder for the tape
[leans in]
“The Cheesecake Factory, that’s where I was”
My husband is playing Super Mario Bros with our sons and one of them is having a MAJOR tantrum. Sadly, it’s my husband.
I like my ex’s like I like my coffee…
Ground up and in the freezer
My husband and I are celebrating our “porcelain” anniversary in a few days. Sounds like someone is getting a new toilet this year.
Thanks to the rising food prices I’m now on an 80/20 eating plan.
My food intake is 80% ramen and 20% stolen from my neighbor’s DoorDash order.
Sounds painful and this is the weirdest pick up line ever. Can I just pay for my stuff and leave? Mmm-k, Thanks.
Me: I save a bunch of time by not having to tie my shoes.
Her: What do you do with the time saved?
Me: *tying my dogs shoes* Sorry, what?
[lying in front of the fire]
11: Do you think she’s asleep or dead?
9: *throws toy, 2 massive dogs pounce on me*
Me: *screams*
9: Asleep
The cookie jar oinks when I open it, so don’t ever question my dedication to these hips.
My cat hissing at an empty chair is why I sleep in the attic.
stop it stop it don’t cook him stop
I knew a guy used to trophy hunt corn. Had a necklace of ears.
Who called them Grammar Nazis and not PRO-Grammars.
Another exciting afternoon in Cheltenham…
A friend of mine is thankful she won a position on the PTA board and now we can’t be friends.
*shortly after the sinking of the Titanic*
Sebastian: Ariel, what is dis!?! You cannot have a dead human in your secret grotto!
Ariel: But I like him.
Sebastian: What would your father say!?!
*at casino*
When he hands you $100 and asks you to go get chips, do not ask him Doritos or Lays. Get both.
It will leave him speechless.
If I had a dollar for anytime a man said he was in love with me I would definitely be homeless
To the guy that stole my anti-depressants, I hope you’re happy now
The rain is pounding so hard I’m kind of jealous.