A Vampire Bat is easy to spot due to its funny accent and little silk cape

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Tired of rap songs starting with MC going “uhuh uhuh…One two one two…Let’s do this…” No. You shoulda been ready when the song started.


[planning for wedding]
i found us a remote location
“Omg where?”
*points to fanny pack stapled to wall above TV*
The remote goes there now


[Hall of Justice]
Aquaman: How do you expect me to ignite the TNT below Kaiser’s floating fortress?
Waterproof Match Man: Maybe I can help.


If I’m suddenly acting really nice to you, chances are it’s only because I want what you’re eating.


[at the gym]

PERSONAL TRAINER: What kind of body do you want to have?

ME: *leans in close* I’d prefer human


Surprise sex is by far the best thing to wake up to! …Unless you’re in prison.


“We have a new product, it washes hair but it needs a name”




“Get out!”




My husband & I have a secret signal we use when it’s time to leave a party. I pull an air horn out of my purse and blast it.


You can lead a horse to water You can leave your horse behind. Cuz your horse don’t dance n if he don’t dance then he ain’t no horse of mine