@sonictyrant

A Vampire Bat is easy to spot due to its funny accent and little silk cape

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@MKupperman

Tired of rap songs starting with MC going “uhuh uhuh…One two one two…Let’s do this…” No. You shoulda been ready when the song started.

@Dil_Tron

[planning for wedding]
i found us a remote location
“Omg where?”
*points to fanny pack stapled to wall above TV*
The remote goes there now

@TheToddWilliams

[Hall of Justice]
Aquaman: How do you expect me to ignite the TNT below Kaiser’s floating fortress?
Waterproof Match Man: Maybe I can help.

@

If I’m suddenly acting really nice to you, chances are it’s only because I want what you’re eating.

@dafloydsta

[at the gym]

PERSONAL TRAINER: What kind of body do you want to have?

ME: *leans in close* I’d prefer human

@DartsBofficial

Surprise sex is by far the best thing to wake up to! …Unless you’re in prison.

@DirtMcTurd

“We have a new product, it washes hair but it needs a name”

Shamcrap?!

“Awful”

Shampoop?!

“Get out!”

Shampoo?

“Genius!”

@PFitzpa

My husband & I have a secret signal we use when it’s time to leave a party. I pull an air horn out of my purse and blast it.

@pharmasean

You can lead a horse to water You can leave your horse behind. Cuz your horse don’t dance n if he don’t dance then he ain’t no horse of mine