@sonictyrant
@MKupperman Tired of rap songs starting with MC going “uhuh uhuh…One two one two…Let’s do this…” No. You shoulda been ready when the song started.
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@MKupperman 
@Dil_Tron [planning for wedding]
i found us a remote location
“Omg where?”
*points to fanny pack stapled to wall above TV*
The remote goes there now
@TheToddWilliams [Hall of Justice]
Aquaman: How do you expect me to ignite the TNT below Kaiser’s floating fortress?
Waterproof Match Man: Maybe I can help.
If I’m suddenly acting really nice to you, chances are it’s only because I want what you’re eating.
@dafloydsta [at the gym]
PERSONAL TRAINER: What kind of body do you want to have?
ME: *leans in close* I’d prefer human
@BuckyIsotope Oh Magic 8-Ball, will anyone ever love me?
@DartsBofficial Surprise sex is by far the best thing to wake up to! …Unless you’re in prison.
@DirtMcTurd “We have a new product, it washes hair but it needs a name”
Shamcrap?!
“Awful”
Shampoop?!
“Get out!”
Shampoo?
“Genius!”
@PFitzpa My husband & I have a secret signal we use when it’s time to leave a party. I pull an air horn out of my purse and blast it.
@pharmasean You can lead a horse to water You can leave your horse behind. Cuz your horse don’t dance n if he don’t dance then he ain’t no horse of mine