If you really want to impress me with the year a bottle of wine was made, bring me one from 2024….
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I haven’t had one mouth papercut since I stopped flossing with business cards
Saltine’s slogan should be “Sorry you’re sick.”
my co worker is getting married.
She said that she didn’t realize how expensive changing her last name is.
Her and her husband decided if they are going to spend money to have last names changed, they will choose something they both want.
Their new last name will be Nighthawk
sorry, eggs benedict are way too fancy for me. bring me some eggs steve
I told someone my name and they said, “That’s unusual. You don’t hear that every day.”
Actually, I do.
A wise man once said if you understand why pizza is round, placed in a square box, and eaten as a triangle you will also understand falling victim to reading a long meaningless tweet and then share it in hopes of making someone else a victim of the tweeters cruel game.
We are trained since birth that happiness comes from boobs or bottles.
Wife: There’s a spider in the kids’ bedroom
Me: I’ll take care of it
*raises spider like one of my own*
*has a little cry when it graduates*
billy joel: we didn’t start the fire
detective: I haven’t mentioned a fire
billy joel: shit
4: mama you’re a sweet tomato!
Me: Aw thank y-
4: because you’re round
Me: …
4: and plumpy
Me: go to your room
ARE YOU A MAN OR A MOUSE?
“Haha a man obviously”
*Detective places cheese on table*
*suspect starts to sweat*
and then you go like this
and then you go like this
and then you go like this– me on my own cooking show
My ex once told me not to psychoanalyze him but he left me for a psychologist and I think about this a lot
[pet shop]
ME: I’m looking for a dog that can talk
OWNER: Try this one
ME: [to dog] Can you talk?
DOG: No
ME: My search continues
“It’s not about the money.”
-people with money
Me : can you be my quarantine partner ?
Her : Hmmm …first , Show me your
stimulus packageMe : 🤦🏾♂️
Her : DO NOT TOUCH YOUR FACE.
Me: Want to see me do The Robot?
Friend: Sure.
Me:
Friend: Why aren’t you moving?
Me: Updating software.
Work in IT. Spend most days in server room doing “urgent security patches”. I have a gaming pc in there disguised as a server and I just play games all day. Have done this since 2017. I get praise from my boss for being so hot on security issues. On 50k a year + getting bonuses.
Women on Twitter who boast about the crumbs they catch in their bras have no idea how much food I can carry around in my turban.
When you die, you can now have your remains scattered by drone across the UK. It helps if you’re cremated, but it’s not as funny
Grandma complained that with age, her joints were getting weaker.
Told her to just roll them a little tighter.
3-year-old: Let’s play zombies
Me: OK
3: You’re the dad zombie, I’m the mom zombie & this is the baby
She tricked me into playing house
Me: they call me Fred Flintstone
Her: *annoyed* because you can make my bed rock?
Me: because you’re gonna turn me down and I’ll have to yabba dabba do it myself
Most couples have at least one odd bit of cutlery in their cutlery drawer that they presume belongs to their partner, which is why it’s fun to sneak odd bits of cutlery into your friends’ cutlery drawer when you visit.
how dare you call me when dogs 101 is on
Just saw a squirrel jump about 15 feet from one tree to another. He is now my new emergency contact.
People who get lost in a book are so dumb. Like, the pages are literally numbered and in order.
Most of the sports bras I own are because I couldn’t get them off before leaving the store.
Texting 15 year old son after his high school dance:
Me: Hi baby! How was the dinner beforehand? Did you have fun? How was the dance? Did you dance with your date? Did you remember to tell her that her dress was pretty? Was it fun?
15: good
I forgot the word “retainer” and called my son’s mouthpiece “braces: part 2.”