If you really want to impress me with the year a bottle of wine was made, bring me one from 2024….

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[trapped under avalanche of Tupperware that fell on me from kitchen cabinet]

*updates social media with selfie*

Bring food,

No weirdos.


I always weigh myself before I get in the shower so the water droplets don’t add additional weight. I also suck in my stomach before I get on the scale. That seems to help.


It’s crazy how quick women are to cut each other’s throats over a guy!

I mean I’d understand if it were shoes….but a guy???


When I was younger MTV actually played videos. That’s what the M stands for. Music. Not Maternity, Motherhood or Moron.


“If your father asks you to pick up 5 large bags of ice, the best place to put them is in the backyard in direct sun”

~My son apparently


2 out of 3 isn’t bad. Unless you come home from the park with 2 out 3 kids. Then it’s bad


“I’m shaving off the beard tomorrow” I loudly announce so that anything living in there has time to evacuate


When my wife does our daughter’s hair: “How about a double French braid swirled into a fancy bun?”

When I do her hair: “How about a hat?”