@TheAlexP [trapped under avalanche of Tupperware that fell on me from kitchen cabinet]
*updates social media with selfie*
Bring food,
No weirdos.
@Tbone7219 If you really want to impress me with the year a bottle of wine was made, bring me one from 2024….
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@TheAlexP 
@JenniferTilly I always weigh myself before I get in the shower so the water droplets don’t add additional weight. I also suck in my stomach before I get on the scale. That seems to help.
@Heldinchains It’s crazy how quick women are to cut each other’s throats over a guy!
I mean I’d understand if it were shoes….but a guy???
@ladyfiredancer When I was younger MTV actually played videos. That’s what the M stands for. Music. Not Maternity, Motherhood or Moron.
@zoebread brace yourselves, the orthodontist just died
@TheBoydP “If your father asks you to pick up 5 large bags of ice, the best place to put them is in the backyard in direct sun”
~My son apparently
@Izzybcrazy 2 out of 3 isn’t bad. Unless you come home from the park with 2 out 3 kids. Then it’s bad
@schumoo “I’m shaving off the beard tomorrow” I loudly announce so that anything living in there has time to evacuate
@Lisa_Laughs_ When I said I wanted to take it slow, I meant your life.
@XplodingUnicorn When my wife does our daughter’s hair: “How about a double French braid swirled into a fancy bun?”
When I do her hair: “How about a hat?”