Me : can you be my quarantine partner ?
Her : Hmmm …first , Show me your
stimulus packageMe : 🤦🏾♂️
Her : DO NOT TOUCH YOUR FACE.
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Theravada Monks purge all their earthly possessions to express their faith and pursue spiritual stillness of mind. I did it because fleas.
every cat falls into one of the following categories:
• looks like it knows how to use a sword but refuses to teach you
• looks like it just finished eating an éclair
Dad loved to say “there’s no price tag, must be free,” or, “there’s no expiration date, must be good,” now we hardly talk except when he calls from jail with food poisoning.
I told my 14yo there’s a muppet who is dealing with drug addiction and he said “they all are. Look at their eyes”
SAM:
Say! I like green eggs and ham!
I do! I like them, Sam-I-am!
I did eat them in a box.
I did eat them with a fox.
I did eat them in a house.
I did eat them with a mouse.DOCTOR:
So, what seems to be the problem?SAM:
I am pooping here and there.
I am pooping everywhere.
God *creates dinosaurs* these are perfect
Dinosaur: Are you dino-sure hahaha
God *creates asteroids*
Blinded by the light is really just a song about turning the bathroom light on in the middle of the night.
everyone freaking out thinking the robot apocalypse is coming bc the google AI is sentient and it’s like okay? just add it to the apocalypse pile who cares
Me: No glove no love.
Gyno: Please don’t make another pap uncomfortable.
My husband just screamed NOOOOOO so loud I thought something was horribly wrong. Don’t worry you guys, no one is injured, someone just hit their ball in the water at the Master’s.
banks email like “Ummmmm we have a MESSAGE for you. In your INBOX” and then the message is like “Hello we are your bank”
[Bucket Lists]
2003:
1. Visit Rome
2. Go skydiving
3. Run marathon2017:
1. Eat sitting down
2. Wake up naturally
3. Finish painting foyer
ALEX TREBEK: this accidental discovery in 1928 opened the door to modern antibiotics
ME: *spraying a mouthful of popcorn* WHAT IS A DOORKNOB
What rhymes with “hug me”?
Chutney.
I’m so sick of answering questions about the age difference between my kids, so I’ve started telling people the oldest one came with the house.
searching for people who think cologne is spelled colon is my favorite thing to do
Apparently yesterday was World Homeopathy Day. Homeopathy is so useless, even its awareness day doesn’t get noticed. Maybe they should try diluting it across several months?
When someone asks me if I could hold their baby I immediately drop my phone, try to pick it up and drop it again twice, and then say “Sure”.
her: that lion is charging
me: hang on [googling] our escape velocity is its distance divided by its speed, then add
her: ok it has my leg, now what
There’s a crying baby on my bus and I’m all “shut up baby, you’re not the one going to work.”
What’s the matter, babe?
You haven’t touched any of your Shrekfast.
Headache Protip:
Bang your toe into something.
There’s a cat curled up on my pillow, and I’d probably be a lot more cool with that if I actually owned a cat.
Mom: When I was your age I never had sex
Me: Mom, I’m 32
Mom: Exactly
Adding “Free HBO” to your dating profile isn’t the game changer you’d think it’d be.
This line from Airplane.
I accidentally used my son’s body wash, now I hate jackets and just called my mom bruh
Got into loads of trouble at work for making “racist noises”. I just accepted the slap on the wrist because it was easier explaining that I was pretending to be the dad from Pingu.
My wife says she can breakdown cardboard packaging for the recycling bin better than I can. I think I will just let her have that one.
Thanks for nothing autocorrect, I’m never gonna get chicks being a “homeless romantic”.