My wife said I need to grow up. I was speechless.
It’s hard to say anything when you have 45 gummy bears in your mouth
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99% Indians work on the Principle of Rockets.
It doesn’t mean we aim for the sky.
It means, we don’t start work unless our tail is on fire
Sitting in my car eating McD’s, and I hear a quiet voice behind me go:
“Here, we have The Fat Woman in her natural habitat..”
Roommate stood in line at midnight to get the new Grand Theft Auto. While he was waiting, someone stole his car. Irony is the best game!
Moment of silence for the guy in Target who just said to his girlfriend, “that seems like a lot of money for face lotion.”
just walked in on my son playing cards against humanity by himself like solitaire
My new refrigerator beeps when the door has been left open for too long and so when I’m looking for lunch now I always feel attacked.
My 1-year-old already knows how to open the baby gate. She stands there, screams, and I open the gate for her.
When my husband says ‘let me ask my wife,’ he’s just using me as an excuse to get out of whatever you’re asking him to do.
Pregnancy tests make me wish peeing on things answered more questions.
Spider-man never tweets via iPhone. He’s a web kinda guy.
I don’t know if there’s a right time for your preschooler to whisper, “are humans made out of meat?” in your ear, but I know that 3 AM is the wrong time.
Go to an open house and ask the realtor if they’ll stand in the basement with the door closed so you can hear if screams are audible outside
ME: make a clone of me for my wife
SCIENTIST: ok [makes a George Clooney]
ME: I said clone not Clooney. take it back
WIFE: wait a minute
[restaurant]
Waiter: Chicken?
Me: No I’ll fight you RIGHT NOW
Ladies, if you love zoos and meet a nice man who’s in charge of one, he’s a keeper.
this is the most cat thing ive ever seen
There’s a Beverly Hills restaurant so hip, it doesn’t have a name just a texture
Thinking of leaving a fake bloody arm inside the blood pressure machine at this CVS pharmacy.
[samurai kindergarten]
Sensei: CHILDREN! We do not hit each other. What do we do?
Kids: *in unison* We use our swords.
Note to self:
When the wife asks “Do you like my new hair”, don’t reply with “It’ll grow back, right?”
Dad: *puts arm around my shoulder* Just remember son, if it doesn’t go well it’s always ok to just dust yourself off and try again until you get it right
*his eyes flicker to my younger brother for just a split second too long*
hitman: [about to jump out of my closet]
me: [walks in wearing nothing but a cowboy hat] alexa play dancing queen
hitman:
[date]
HER: Do you want to have children?
ME: *leans in close* I thought you understood that I would be the child in this relationship.
mom: what’d you do today?
christopher robin: the pantsless bear in crop top needed my help cuz he got covered in honey and stuck in a hole
mom: …okay maybe no more going to the woods alone for awhile.
HER: Boxers or briefs?
ME: Depends
HER: Really? But you look so young.
2032:: Scientists force bees and birds to mate, just for kicks.
2033: The Bumblehawks reign supreme.
product manager: what color should we make the bottle
guy who invented hydrogen peroxide: the brownest brown you can imagine
If you didn’t want me to object to this wedding maybe you shouldn’t have had a cash bar
Christmas always sucked when I was a kid because I believed in Santa Claus, and unfortunately, so did my parents. #Christmas