this is the most cat thing ive ever seen
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Need special medicine for our son’s kidneys but we can’t afford it because we bought printer ink last week 🙁
If I took every USB cable I’ve ever owned and strung them end-to-end, I’d have a cable 34 miles long that I still couldn’t find when I needed it.
Have you tried growling until they back away slowly?
Does anyone else still miss that part of the pandemic where it was illegal for anyone to come near you?
Asking for a friend. x
Asteroid: Hmm…who should I hit on?
Earth: [puts on sexy dress and a come hither smile]
Oh right, like you’ve never let your kids stay lost in a corn maze just a little longer.
MTV canceled Teen Mom, so it’s like they had those babies for nothing.
Queen: I have just born two twin boys. Which one will end up taking the throne?
Advisor: let me take their temperature
Queen: ?
Advisor: ah, this one is running a fever. He shall be king
Queen: how do you know?
Advisor: everyone knows warm heir rises
If you’re moving to a new house for a “fresh start,” congratulations your new house is haunted.
Sometimes you just need to dance naked in the kitchen. The manager at this Burger King seems to feel differently though.
Dr: I’m giving u a proton-pump inhibitor
Me: LIKE A GHOSTBUSTER?
D: No for acid reflu *sees tears welling in my eyes* yes for busting ghosts
robber: alright this is a robbery
dad: no this is a bank
robber: damnit dad not now
I’m stranded on a dessert island. Do not send help.
Boom, boom, ching!
ME: I can’t believe it’s not butter
FRIEND: This is a shoe
ME: Omg I can’t believe it
Curious George Turns Off Google Image Safe Search
If E.T. is making your bicycle fly through the sky, why do you still have to pedal?
A Scottish vampire aka a McMorbius
God [making birds]: They are going to start screaming in the morning and wake people up really early.
Angel: Like at 6 AM?
God: Earlier.
Angel: 5 AM?
God: EARLIER
I caught my insane ex going through my garbage, but I guess that’s what I get for dating a raccoon.
Me: You just had a bath, please stay clean
My 4-year-old:
Me: Will you please just SHUT UP!
Brain: Well damn, don’t come running to me when you forget how to spell CAT.
$500,000 to have my head cryogenically preserved or $1.59 for a Slurpee to give me a brain freeze?
Never let kids google names of Pokémon characters unsupervised, Squirtle in particular
My 7 year old was tapping away on my Mac tonight and told me he was writing a book. I think you’ll agree it’s one hell of an opening.
I just found a gray hair and I’m shocked this past year only gave me the one
*Pokes the bear just to feel alive
*Bear uses bear spray on me