Does anyone else still miss that part of the pandemic where it was illegal for anyone to come near you?
Asking for a friend. x
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When my cat has an accident on the carpet, he hides to escape responsibility. It’s a, “shit and run”.
[Pilot intercom]
Me: “Hello, this is the co-pilot speaking. Not to cause alarm but the pilot has passed out and I lied a lot on my resume.”
I like running because it’s cheaper than paying for a gym membership. If the gym wants the money I owe them, they’ll have to catch me.
Staying in all day, then being told by the delivery company that you were, in fact, not at home after all
Might get a Gatorade logo tattoo to symbolize my contempt for thirst.
ME [first time on-air as a weather man]: don’t go outside unless you want your hair to look like you just shot off the fence at Jurassic Park
Soccer I love when they hold up the sign and a brand new beautiful boy takes the place of a dirty sweaty ruined one
Aladdin: I can show you the world
Jasmine: lets go to New York!
Aladdin: hold on
Jasmine: then London
Aladdin: wait
Jasmine: and then-
Aladdin: listen you wanna see Agrabah I can show you Agrabah
Our neighborhood playground has been so dull lately oh wait a parent just got stuck in the tunnel slide yes!!
You and your happiness can go straight to Walmart. Or whereever your “hell” is.
Gang Leader: did you do the drive by?
Me: *holding milkshakes* what
Bird: We can fly so we can go anywhere, soar through the skies, glide through the air!!
Bird 2: It’s incredible!!
Bird: imma stand in the road
Bird 2: Me too
I socially identify as the guy who tried to jump off of the sinking Titanic but ending up hitting a massive propeller on the way down.
On Halloween I’ll be handing out full size bars of really bad advice.
Only while supplies last.
The fridge drawer is marked “crisper” but it is pronounced “rotter.”
Boss: Stop copy and pasting responses from previous emails
Me: sounds good
Sent from my iPhone
Sent from my iPhone
I can count on my hook how many hands I’ve lost.
MARY: Your welcome…
JON: It’s “you’re” welcome.
MARY: …is overstayed.
“What an ugly baby,” I said, much more audibly than intended.
I ruined our romantic honeymoon to Venice by pronouncing canal wrong the whole time. You know how. You get it. I grow weary of this website
Don’t “psh” me, Coca Cola I just opened.
[Homeschool field trip to the laundry room]
Kids: Dad, what IS this place?
Me: I have absolutely no idea
*House Hunters
“Greg and Tina have been looking for months. She needs a house that ‘flows,’ and now he longs for the sweet relief of death. Can they both get what they want?”
I wish I was Jean Claude Van Damme, not to be able to roundhouse kick my co-worker, but to bore him to death as I act out a scene.
“Hey Google, set an alarm for 5 AM”
Google: “No. That’s stupid.”
2 Beers = 1 Tweet
5 Beers = 3 Tweets
9 Beers = 7 Tweets
12 Beers = 12 Tweets
24 Teers = 30 Beets
HER: Boxers or briefs?
ME: Depends
HER: Really? But you look so young.
This bottle of vodka was on sale.
So yes, I will party like it’s $19.99.
Halloween is the only day of the year I can be myself.
*flies away with my broom*