This bottle of vodka was on sale.
So yes, I will party like it’s $19.99.
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Nice try girl with a great job and is mentally stable…
Hello crazy chick with anger issues and a knife collection.
[on a speed date]
(okay don’t let her know you’re a zombie)
“so, what do you like best in a woman?”
BRAAAIIINNNSS
The best thing about parenting babies and toddlers is that you can dress them up as like, a croissant for Halloween, they don’t give a shit.
What if gravity…was invented by the vacuum industry so there was always shit on the floor to clean up. Just hear me out tho.
I left my Kindle on the train. This would have never happened if I was carrying 8 bookshelves full of books with me like in the old days.
Playdough smells better than other philosophers
How many mission impossible movies must there be before they admit that the missions are actually kinda doable?
Just a reminder, folks:
One of my husband’s friends added me on Snapchat and I thought it was weird so I started a group chat for the three of us. 😂😇
My favorite part of Beethoven’s 5th symphony is the rap battle 18 minutes in.
just poured dr pepper on my face like i didn’t know where my mouth was.
My toddler just sneezed into the fridge, so I have to cancel all of our plans for the next two weeks because my family will be taking turns having the plague.
“Your call is very important to us. Please stay on the line until your call is no longer important to you.”
I was searching for how to hit a deer and survive but now my history makes it look like I’m hunting deer with my car
“VROOM VROOM! VROOM VROOM VROOM! SCREECH!” – Entire script for Fast and the Furious 6
Whenever an automatic hand dryer doesn’t turn on for me, I like to think my diet is really working.
hats off to all the restaurants who made it through the last 20 years of anti-carb propaganda and still serve free bread as an appetizer
I am religious. I religiously avoid church.
The Cheesecake Factory is finally coming to Canada!
…now I can stop being so nice to the Americans.
I can never tell if my cat left a dead bird at my door, or if it’s the dead bird I ordered from Amazon.
My kid: “I want the new iPad like my friends, everyone has them”
Me: “And I want to vacation in Hawaii..disappointing day all around huh?”
I will never understand the people who wait in a long line, finally arrive at the register and then act like they’ve been caught off guard by the requirement that they produce some form of currency for their purchase.
wife: what r u doing
me: shredding my birth certificate
wife: why
me: *starts disappearing* it’s working
ME: Are we there yet? Are we there yet? Are we there yet? Are we there yet?
DEATH: WE GET THERE WHEN WE GET THERE.
Bylaws shmylaws I’m digging a moat.
My girlfriend is mad at lettuce, how’s your day going?
Damn you Jehovah’s, suckered me in to opening my door. Sure,I’ll read your literature, while you read my twitter. We’ll see who converts who
Wife: Can you take the kale chips out of the oven?
Me: Sure. Can you hold the trash open?
[1st person to try jogging]
Peasant: what chasest thou, m’lady?
Jogger: Nothing. I doth run for mine own pleasure.
Peasant: *suddenly holding a torch and pitch fork* WITCH!!!
A mother bear defending her cubs but it’s me defending the fresh pan of bacon from other hotel guests at the breakfast buffet.