I can never tell if my cat left a dead bird at my door, or if it’s the dead bird I ordered from Amazon.
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Taking pity on my neighbors and finally getting motorized blinds on my windows… they’ve suffered enough.
Of course I believe in science, like how jelly grows inside donuts.
[at Goodwill store]
*buys pants that I gave them 6 months ago*
You can tell A LOT about a Woman’s mood just by looking at her hands…
…for example…If she’s holding a gun? She’s probably pissed.
reverse girlcow, because i’m drunk.
Not sure why people with shingles aren’t prescribed roofies.
And send.
Be careful giving your kids access to the internet. I let my 3-year-old play on my phone for 30 minutes and now she won’t stop talking about a podcast she listened to.
If you come across a bear in the woods, it’s best to just wipe it off and apologize.
Middle of the night In bed:
*Loud noise*
Wife – Did you hear that?
Me –
Wife – I said did you hear that?
Me (under the bed) – Yes
The First Rule of Menopause Club:
We don’t talk PERIOD.
ME: I got us a penguin!
WIFE: Why would you think I’d want a penguin??
PENGUIN: Maybe not everything is about what you want.
ME: *Points at penguin* That. Yes.
My belly popped the button off my pants today so don’t tell me my quarantine-cation was uneventful.
terrifying if it really happened:
the kiss emoji with the heart coming out of the mouth
Me: *driving*
My mom at every turn:
[shark tank]
“Hi, what’s your product idea?”
Product? [holding bucket of live fish] I’m here to see the tank of sh-… I’ve made a mistake
getting v. tired of living inside an interesting part of next century’s history textbooks
If you bump into someone at the grocery store and say goodbye, there’s a 99 percent chance you’ll see them in every single aisle after that.
I don’t pluck my unibrow to look good, I do it because McDonald’s sued me for illegal use of the double arches.
Someone in my daughter’s class gave her a whoopee cushion for Valentine’s Day and now the bar is set. She may never love a gift as much as this one, guys. 🤪
Wife: no bird puns this year at Thanksgiving
Me: fine but I get to do some now.
Wife: owl allow it.
Me: wait-what are you doing?
Wife: toucan play this game.
Me: I don’t like this.
It’s 2024 and we have Batman shampoo but STILL no Conditioner Gordon.
As often as I lose lighters and sunglasses, it’s a good thing I never had kids.
Or did I?
Putting a bunch of small decorative rocks in front of your house is a bold move, but putting one big rock in your yard is a boulder move.
Okay YouTube, if I’m gonna watch a 20-minute video and you want to show me a 15-second ad, fine, I’ll wait.
But if I’m going to watch a 2-minute video, that ad better be no more than a single frame of someone shouting “PIZZA HUT!”
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I was trying to give my wife the silent treatment, but then she asked what I wanted from McDonald’s
*tries CBD oil for the first time*
“OMG OMG I FEEL IT, I THINK I’M HIGH! I’M TOTALLY HIGH”
“Ma’am, there are little to no narcotics in that”
“So you’re saying there’s a chance”
“Because of the number of nerve endings, a hangnail is among the most painful things a human can experience.” but the nurse completely ignored me and rudely continued telling my wife to push through the contractions.
I like when players of opposite teams hug after the game as if to say, “We’re all so very, very rich.”
i just realized my “for you” feed is actually as enjoyable a scroll as my “following” feed and i’ve never been more devastated in my life