Wife: no bird puns this year at Thanksgiving
Me: fine but I get to do some now.
Wife: owl allow it.
Me: wait-what are you doing?
Wife: toucan play this game.
Me: I don’t like this.
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@Book_Krazy @funTweeters 🙂
Friend: What’s that you’re reading?
Me: “How to Lose Weight By Eating Anything You Want”
Friend: Wow! If you don’t mind my asking, how much have you lost?
Me: $24.99.
I sold a lawn mower on facebook marketplace today. That’s the last time my neighbor wakes me up by mowing his lawn at 6:30 am.
It’s hard for me to believe that the new Star Wars trailer has already been seen millions of times. How do they even know where it’s parked?
Lance isn’t really that a common name anymore. In the old days, people were called Lance a lot.
Here’s a question for all the mind readers out there.
*running from cops*
Me: hey wait hold up if we’re gonna do this i really should be wearing my fitbit
Cop: yeah me too good idea
At this point I feel like MTV is just trying to scare old people.
Hey, cooking directions on the sides of packages: Nobody knows the wattage of their microwave.
If you tweet about orthopedic shoes enough, you don’t even need to write “No DMs” in your bio.
Some bloke on FB called me a clown. Now I’ve got to go hide under his bed with a knife cause that’s what clowns do.
I’m not above army crawling down an aisle at the grocery store to avoid small talk with an acquaintance.
20,000 Tons Of Pubic Hair Trimmed In Preparation For Valentine’s Day
She posted me to the group chat and they said I’m handsome
*annual sexual harassment seminar.
Boss: We need more seats.
Me: *taps lap* I’ve got a place for someone to sit.
Boss: *sighing* You’re the reason we have these meetings.
I built an electric fence around my house. My neighbour is dead against it.
*co-worker approaching elevator*
*I try to hit “close door” button*
*I miss, hit “open door”*
Co-worker: thanks for holding it
Me: Of course
If your conspiracy theory doesn’t involve cats, don’t bother me.
haven’t exploited a dead relative for attention yet but it’s on the table
WTF
“SO SANTA DOESN’T BELIEVE IN FORGIVENESS?!?” – my 5 year old destroying the “naughty list” bluff is the best gift he could have given me
I want to know what the cat was doing that made the animal control officer be like, you know what, I think this cat just destroyed an 8-ball.
DATE: Do you like sports?
ME: *nervously* Sure.
DATE: What’s your favorite sport?
ME: *panicking* Panicking.
Is LSD illegal or just frowned upon? Asking for a giant purple rabbit.
[sees a shredded guy at the gym]
Me: cake tho
For today’s Florida story, I bring you Michael Marolla, who was just arrested in Collier County with a live alligator in the bed of his pickup, two firearms, and multiple syringes loaded with meth.
Accidentally said goodbye to the voice at the drive thru order window and they answered “nah I’ll see you in a sec” no chill
[goes up to girl after symphony concert] Hey girl, you sounded real good tonight. I’m a huge fan of the…*looks at her clarinet*…e-cig.