20,000 Tons Of Pubic Hair Trimmed In Preparation For Valentine’s Day
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[speed dating]
Me: “Facebook or Twitter?”
Her: “Face…”
Me: “Have a nice life.”
*UFO attacks*
Govt: It’s a weather balloon.*UFO destroys Eiffel Tower*
Govt: Weather balloon.*UFO conquers Earth*
Govt: Weather balloon.
Me: hello I’ve run out of toilet paper
Front desk: oh I’m sorry for the inconvenience
Me: oh no worries, but I’ve also run out of towels
Me: I need to get something off my chest
My conjoined twin: I HAVE A NAME
The Pope quit. Meteor in Russia. Snowing in Arizona. Star Wars and Star Trek have the same director. Who the hell is playing Jumanji?
I’m single in quarantine and just found a box of googly eyes. I’m going to place them on objects around the house because I miss social anxiety.
I used to watch the Olympics on TV as a child and dream of growing up and also watching the Olympics on TV but on a better TV.
Just saved my overly curious wife from the US Government right as she was about to Google “where do cannibals get their meat?”
6, pointing at her brother, crying:
He doesn’t want to play Barbies with me!
Me: None of us do.
Doctors recommend that you drink 8 glasses of water a day and don’t fall out of a helicopter
I like the idea in Star Trek that universal audio translators are a thing by the 23rd century. That means around the 22nd century we just get special glasses that show subtitles
English would be much easier to learn if the guy who came up with the word “waterfall” was in charge of inventing all new words
Friend: Have you ever experienced a haunting?
Me: I have and it’s unrelenting.
Friend: Sounds awful.
Me: It is. I’m haunted by all of the desserts I never ate.
Friend:
Me: The chocolate cheesecake is the most terrifying.
As a kid I thought karma would drop more pianos on people’s heads, and now I’m super disappointed.
I bet you could move to the UK and start calling people a, “bleeding tea cozy mop ringer” and it would eventually catch on
Monday, why can’t you be more like Tuesday and have tacos
*hears robber in house*
If anybody is there.. I have Updog & I’m not afraid to use it.
“What’s Updog?”
Not too much haha you?
“Robbing you”
I gotta work tomorrow? like, my job??? I have had 17 straight days off you expect me to remember what it is I do for a living
*kidnapping Beyoncé* got your Knowles
What if I said I wanted it all, right now, with you?
Costco worker: Ma’am, please save some cheese samples for other shoppers.
Normalize never cutting our kids’ food into “fun” shapes or crusts of their bread so no parent is expected to fulfill those ludicrous demands ever again
“That’s herpes”
-my response anytime someone asks me to look at their rash.
if you want a really sexy woman, I just sat in a bunch of crushed up chips without realizing it and thought something was following me when I walked across the house cause I kept hearing the chips drop to the floor
Tom Waits has officially hit peak Tom Waits
Me: The new guy’s a lumberjack?
Boss: Yep
Me: He seems nice…
Boss: STOP
Me: I’ll bet he’s good at…
Boss: DONT
Me: random axe of kindness
Guess an extinguisher wasn’t in the budget
You have to sit up to drink coffee in bed. I know that now.
If you give your kid a roll of tape today then you should expect you’ll need to buy more tape tomorrow
My toddler helped me clean by picking up and eating the trail of Cocoa Puffs he left on the floor and I’m going to allow it because I really need the help.