6, pointing at her brother, crying:
He doesn’t want to play Barbies with me!
Me: None of us do.
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i work in the toll booth and i listen to smooth operator and i sing along but i say booth operator
My teen said she’s too old to have a dance party with us but then asked for money, and now guess who isn’t too old to have a dance party with us?
I never understood why parents teach their kids to wave at passing trains: they could do that to pedestrians or cars just as easily
But if you give the finger to the people on the trains, there’s nothing they can do about it — they can’t stop. It’s that that makes trains special
judge: *banging gavel* guilty
me: *twirling my hair* of being too handsome?
judge: *giving me a little kiss on the cheek* of murder
ME: *throwing up gang signs*
FRIEND: Dude, how many did you eat?
People mock Snapchat, but I spent the first 36 yrs of my life wondering how my friends would look as rainbow alien puppies AND NOW I KNOW.
*good cop/bad cop interrogation*
*good cop is nice to the suspect*
*bad cop shoots good cop and sets suspect free*
man he’s a bad cop
Scientists say Spider-Man would not be able to climb vertical surfaces due to his size. It’s almost like someone made the whole thing up.
absolutely disgusting that we as a society are still okay with people making hats out of cowboys
To prepare yourself for having a kid: Every night before bed say to your phone “Siri, Set an alarm. Surprise me.”
Hear me out. Organ harvest festival.
How it started How it’s going
My boss said I have a lot of emotional intelligence which I think is his way of saying, “we’re worried about your actual intelligence”
Contactless food delivery be like, what if ding dong ditch had a happy ending?
As your sugar daddy I will provide you with a 40% discount on all your future insulin purchases
*Looks up from phone.
“When did you get home?”Husband: “I’ve been talking to you for the last 15 minutes.”
Man, my tummy really hurts, I should probably have another latte and a third and fourth croissant about it
My circle of trust is a meatball
Why is it called a corn maze, when we could just call it a maize?
[last supper]
“Tonight, one of you will betray me for 20 pieces of silver.”
“30.”
“Sorry Judas?”
[sips wine]
“I didn’t say anything.”
I knew this girl, she’s really deep; she’d always find a reason to preach about how size does matter…
Occam’s razor: the simplest answer is most often correct
Occam’s toothbrush: show off
woman who cleans my house: ugh. this place is filthy
also me: lady i’m doing my best
I tried a little tenderness and now I’m trying blunt force trauma.
ethics professor: ur failing my class
me: [slides over $20] how about now
If you love something keep it in the refrigerator, keep it fresh, that thing you love is a lot like mayonnaise.
My son kicked his soccer ball in to a rosebush & now I look like I got between Chester Cheetah & Tony the Tiger at a coke party.
Me: I have 3 small kids, so preparing a healthy breakfast can be a challenge some mornings.
Friend: You should meal prep at night to make things easier.
Me: I guess I should have mentioned that the kids live here at night, too.
[Second day in prison]
ME: *looking up from my signup sheet disappointedly* Guys you know I can’t play quidditch by myself
Her: omg are you crying over puppy videos?
Him: dammit woman, I’m the Headless Horseman, not the Heartless Horseman