Why is it called a corn maze, when we could just call it a maize?
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Doing car review videos where I tell you if there’s enough elbow room to clean your ears while driving, how it sounds while in the car wash, and how much spaghetti fits in each Pringle holder
friend: let’s meet up soon
me: *in the crow’s nest of a ship docking outside your house* when though
There’s no gangsta way to say “Oopsie Daisy.” I know that now.
Ok who has flying ants in the August sweep stakes? I had dyslexic badgers so not my month 🙄
Dad: What do you want for your birthday?
Me: I want a gf thats not crazy.
Dad: You should ask for something more realistic. Like a dragon.
Offered my daughter $30.00 to help me get the house clean for our bbq tomorrow.
She hired her younger brothers for $5 each to do her work.
🤦🏻♀️
A cute bank teller told me he wanted to make love to me in the vault. He’s kinky, but at least he’s into safe sex.
I’m so mad I put my fist through a wall. I HATE BEING A GHOST
I can’t believe it’s already been 10 zoips since I invented my own system for measuring time.
Her: Get out, this is the ladies room!
Me: Oh please, If I paid attention to every sign with a picture on it I’d never get a parking place.
*reads recipe and sees “raisins”
Well, that’s not going to happen.
My doctor asked me how much I weigh like anyone keeps track of that. Idk, Mark. Like 7 tires? 16 squirrels? Is that what you want to hear Mark? 87 ducks!?
I hate when sales people say stupid things like “Please stop undressing the mannequins, and your credit card has been declined again.”
Sex with me is like going to the movies. It’s dark & very loud. Bring candy. You can never predict the ending. Some people leave early.
*reaches for the stars*
Stars: I have a boyfriend
My wrist is sore from holding onto a bowl of ice cream for too long but sure, I’ll help you move.
This is the way the world ends.
Not with a bang but with a Zoom meeting that never ends due to technical issues.
Inception (2010) – Five men and one woman plot to nap on a plane.
7 has started saying “your life just got better,” whenever he enters the room; humility is not this kid’s strong-suit.
guys please don’t talk about the healthcare vote I’ve got it tivoed
[Dracula bites a pig]
Me: ohhhhh, hampire
TRUMP: if elected i’ll build a protective wall. I’ll call it the great wall
*advisor whispers in his ear*
i’ll call it the really great wall
Ways to tell a woman’s mad at you:
1. She’s silent.
2. She’s yelling.
3. She acts the same.
4. She acts different.
5. She murdered you.
If you love someone, let them go.
If they don’t come back, get a dog.
30 seconds staring confused at the calculator app before realizing why my phone wasn’t calling the number I dialed.
Back in my day, we didn’t have apps to tell everyone where we were all the time
We had to actually work for it if we wanted to get murdered
New to Twitter cheat sheet:
AVI – profile pic
TL – timeline
DM – direct message
TC – twitter crush
WTF – everything else
The moral of “The Three Little Pigs” is “make your house with bricks.” Why are we giving four year olds architectural advice?
Your call will be answered in the order in which we draw names from a hat.
Driving to work, and I just reached down to touch my leg to make sure I have pants on.