I was the most experienced baker at a bread factory. A roll model, if you will.
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Protip: if your date is going to throw a drink at your face, at least open your mouth, because hey, free drink.
Wife: did you know there’s an “I hate Jeff” group that meets in the park?
Me: yes I started it I am the president
(husband picking me up at the airport): what’s for dinner?
Coroner’s Report: “Victim noted a subtle mannerism shared by his wife and mother-in-law.”
Hear me out.. fashion bibs for adult messy eaters, like me
did everyone just forget about the part of 2016 when literal clowns would chase people with knives in public and nobody really did anything
Don’t talk to me until after I’ve had my breakfast beer
Drop a house on me, so I know it’s real
It’s the weekend; time to get my nopes up.
Watching Prosecuting Evil. Annnnddddd every episode so far is within 100 miles of my house. No worries, absolutely no reason to worry.
You think you got your shit together until you try to spell Dave Chappelle
1974: 3 hours to buy a movie ticket.
1989: Welcome to Movie-Fone!
2017: *streams Star Wars on toilet*
My favorite word in the English language is “Amen” because when I hear it I know you’re finally done asking Me for stupid shit.
“Oh hey, Bill, you’re home early.”
My ex just asked if I want to go on holiday with him and my ex mother-in-law and now I don’t need Twitter because I will never stop laughing
I’m a little late to emojis. I can do heart (❤️) and I can do dinosaur (🦖), which pretty much covers any emotion I’m likely to have.
Thankfully I haven’t had to go out and panic buy any food as I’ve been saving some plums in my icebox for this very occasion.
Me: Just once?
Dog:
Me: Please?
Dog:
Me: Say, “I’m a law-biting citizen”
Dog: That’s not water in your cup, is it?
god: *creates human* whatcha think?
angel: nice, will it hurt itself in the dark?
god: *adds shins* now it will
This guy at the bar just said nobody gets off earth alive. And he and his buddies sat there for a second before the chick in the middle says “what about astronauts” and I love her
Quietly she fades away, drifting closer to nothingness.
Nothingness whispers, “I already have a girlfriend.”
Me: How’s it going?
Coworker: Can’t complain.
Me: Try harder.
Coworker: Life is meaningless.
Me: Atta boy.
Spring is here!
I got so excited I wet my plants!
Judging by the hair on my black shirt , I’m surprised I have any cat left at all.
You’re not allowed to judge someone based on their scream in bug related situations.
[In the White House war room]
Me: You know Militia would be a great name for a girl.
my sister is about to have a baby and my brother showed up to the hospital in a suit because “first impressions matter”
“So hell isn’t too bad,” I say from the podium. “I just keep teaching?”
“Actually…” said a demon
“Actually…” said another
“ACTUALLY…”
Me: I have Schrödinger like reflexes
“Don’t you mean cat-like reflexes?”
Me: Yes and No.
About halfway through my wife’s lecture on how dangerous cutting my own hair was I chopped off my own ears. I’ll never hear the end of it now.