“Oh hey, Bill, you’re home early.”
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Hansel and Gretel is my favorite story about eating children.
People laughed when I said I wanted to be a professional snooker player. They’re not laughing now because it was ages ago.
[Thor Love and Thunder]
me: *buying tickets for me and 3 friends* FOUR FOR THOR 4 at 4:44 POR FAVOR SEÑOR
cinema guy: please stop doing this
Just saw somebody leaving the dispensary in a U-Haul truck. Leave some for the rest of us, cmon
I’d really like for my friends to host an intervention for me, there’s nothing wrong or anything, I just think it would be cool to see everyone
If I die at the gym, please add more weights before calling emergency services
I’ve often wondered whether baby deer are left or right handed. Turns out they’re bambidextrous.
[at a football game]
my kid: can i get a giant foam finger
me: no
my kid: why not
me: because you already ate three of them at halftime
I order so much Chinese food the delivery guy must think I’m a middle aged divorced homicide detective in an 80s movie.
Cult leader: We need to sacrifice a virgin
[Everyone looks at me wearing cargo shorts]
Me: What?
Manslaughter. The sound of a man laughing?
[first date]
Me: I’m a very reserved person
Me: [5 minutes later] if aliens abducted me no one would miss me
“The best eggs are stolen,” I said.
“Poached,” my wife corrected. “Poached.”
I’ve never wrestled an alligator but I have retrieved something from my toddler’s mouth.
Amazon will acquire Roomba and there’s nothing scary about Alexa on wheels.
Maybe Aliens don’t visit us because they’re all women and they want us to make the first move.
Who, you ask, turns the AC on during a polar vortex? Sociopaths, fascist dictators, my boyfriend.
Pulled a loose string on my dress by accident and now I’m naked
Since mask-wearing began, many of us have developed the ability to say “thank you” using only our eyes, as well as a few other phrases that end in “you”
I will never sell out my integrity unless I am offered something for it.
Shout out to Pringles for admitting they’re addictive, unlike cigarettes and heroin the two biggest liars of the snack industry.
My three-hour meeting ended 18 minutes early and the leader told us all to “enjoy that free time, take care of ourselves and relax” like she had just given us all free weeklong Princess cruises
I forgot all the Spanish I learned as a high school señor.
me: no, you can’t have ice cream for dinner
son: why not???
me: because
son: because you ate it all for lunch again?
me:
son:
me: if you don’t tell mom I’ll give you a popsicle for breakfast
*Wandering the city*
Crap I have no idea where I’m at.
*Stops in a bar and gets drunk*
Okay NOW I recognize these buildings
If he can’t build a wall, Trump is going to dig a giant hole at the border and cover it with a welcome mat like it’s a Road Runner cartoon.
Did my noble deed today and got a few boxes of Girl Scout cookies. It wasn’t for me, it was for the organization of course.
Do regular dogs see poilce dogs and think “oh shit it’s the cops let’s run.”
Call me crazy but “dropping the ball” does not sound like a good way to start off a new year.
I’m only attractive if you’re drunk.
*buys everyone a drink*