*Wandering the city*
Crap I have no idea where I’m at.
*Stops in a bar and gets drunk*
Okay NOW I recognize these buildings
You Might Also Like
Customer Service: How does the name appear on your credit card?
Me: If i had to guess, I’d say it’s 11 pt. Arial bold.
On average, a person spends about 14 years of their life trying to open ketchup packets.
Whenever I see someone with spider web tattoos on their elbows I spray them with Raid and attempt to flush them down the toilet.
What do we want? A 2016 calendar! When do we want it? Late 2015!
People will tell you daughters are less gross than sons.
My daughters started a snail zoo. There are snails everywhere.
cat: *plays fiddle*
cow: *jumps over moon*
dishes: *run away*
farmer: *sets down bong*
I read that you should treat every night with your wife like your first date so after the movie tonight I’m dropping her off at her parents
Walk around with the same confidence of a toddler who has chosen their own clothes.
My husband walked into the kitchen and asked, “What’s burning?” I told him, “The world. But what you smell is the chicken.”
Nutritionist: Let’s identify those triggers that stop you from eating well, they could be subtle
M: I guess the main one is being awake
N:..
[at the club]
Me: I got the moves
Her: it’s “runs”
If a server comes to my table and asks ‘hows everythin tasting?’ mid chew I like to grab their wrist and keep them there until I can answer
“Ramen”. – Scooby Doo, finishing a prayer
What doesn’t kill you was only practicing.
Christmas decorating 101 – Puts fake snow on Halloween decorations
Your move Martha Stewart
I won $6 on a scratch-off last night. Out of my way, peasants!
At the grocery store some old lady seemed like she was hitting on me. Turns out we went to school together.
I just overheard some passing 8-year-old announce that after only two days of school he has already found a girlfriend, and now I have to unpack the fact that I don’t date at even a third-grade level.
*leaves the kids w/ a new babysitter
*calls to check on the sitter
Wife: It’s like we don’t even know each other anymore
Me: Not this crap again, Brenda
Wife: That’s not my name
Make good choices because ghosts are stuck with the haircut they died with.
Look, I’ve been a widow struggling for four years to raise my kids on my own. Hallmark told me I should have tripped over a handsome hunk of man, who turns out to be rich, with a good heart by now.
This is bullshit!
Couldn’t think of the word unscented so I said unflavored smell.
Get your kids Christmas pajamas so they’ll have something comfortable to fight in.
[Me]: “I have hat-like reflexes”
[You]: Don’t you mean cat-like reflexes?
[Me]: *sitting on top of your head* “Nope”
If you see me at the bottom of a lake, mind your business. I’m relaxing.
Every day before I leave the house, I pat myself in several places. Phone? Wallet? Keys? etc. etc.
I’ve just added a new ending to the search. I say:
Heyyyy Macarena.
He wasn’t even meant to be at the party, but when she took a bite of the salsa laiden chip and then placed it back in the sauce to reload it, he knew he had just met his soulmate. It was serendoubledipity.