Couldn’t think of the word unscented so I said unflavored smell.
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ME: *peeing in the ocean*
WIFE: at least go in past your waist
My son asked why my legs are “so fat.” You’re damn right I’m here for validation.
*adds Amazon wishlist link to bio*
Me: And now we wait
[2 days later] *nothing*
[1 week later] *still nothing*
[2 weeks later] Kids: Dad, we’re really hungry now
Me: I said, we wait!!!
I am not mature enough for this many work emails to be going back and forth about an incoming hot load
Supposed to leave for vacation in 5 minutes. Somehow, the clothes I need to pack that I threw in the washer an hour ago, aren’t ready.
I once went to a party with 10% battery life on my phone so you can shut the hell up about your “scary” battle at Normandy, grandpa.
if u put a disguise on a cow then legally the cow is incowgnito
Engaged couples should register for two of everything so it’s easier to divide stuff when they divorce.
[Couples therapy]
WIFE: I hate the way he pronounces “food” like “feud”.
THERAPIST: And you, sir?
ME: She’s always in a bad mude.
*lowers car suspension to look more gangster*
*takes 12 minutes to ride over a speedbump*
the crazy thing about being a woman is regardless of how much you grow and what you achieve, we will never be entirely safe from the sudden urge to get bangs
Ever since I had my fingerprints taken for employment, I often sit at my desk gazing off in the distance, reflecting over the opportunity of an exciting life of crime lost by accepting this job.
[tearing off our clothes]
Her: I want you. Take off your shoes.
*kicks flip-flop through her TV*
Red Cross: A blood donation is the best gift you can give to someone.
[Christmas morning]
Kids: [all screaming while opening their presents]
NICE TO MEAT YOU, I scream as I throw slices of salami at strangers
“I have a pleasure room, would you like to see it?”
Him: “…That’s a refrigerator”
lmfao come on
IF A CAN OPENER DOESN’T WORK IS IT CALLED A CAN’T OPENER
I’m not saying I’m a hero, but I did just give a bottle of wine mouth to mouth.
It didn’t make it.
Some tattoo artists need to just say, “no, I’m not doing this shit.”
[ brings ouija board to your grave ]
“Okay, now will you tell me why her number was in your phone?”
Probably the worst thing about pyramid schemes is how they make you advertise to all your friends and family that you are part of a pyramid scheme.
A lot of people ask me “why do you lie about the high number of people asking you things?”
If I ever ask you to hold a baby, you better ask whose baby I have because I’m clearly high and stole a baby.
You travel 3500 miles to the breathtaking 15th-century mountaintop Inca citadel, Machu Picchu. The gift shop is not great.
He threw his hands in the air.
And he waved em like he just didn’t care.
In hindsight, he was the worst airplane runway guide we ever hired.
What did everyone get for Christmas this year? Just kidding, I know it’s omicron.
My Medical Emergency Contact is a girl from college who promised she’d pluck any stray hairs off my face if I slipped into a coma.
My superpower is choosing the one table in a restaurant next to the woman talking loudly enough that I know her entire family tree when I leave.
So it turns out that you can’t use Cool Whip as shaving cream, apparently.
Narrator: Ursula needed 3 stitches in an undisclosed location.