Couldn’t think of the word unscented so I said unflavored smell.
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I think as Canadians we’re so nice because we focus all our hatred on geese
Me: I wish I was the most beautiful person in the world.
Genie: done.
Me: *checking in mirror* But I still look the same?
Genie: yes, but just wait until you see everybody else.
Pro tip: Wearing an 18th century corset really weeds out the quitters
If you’re in an old house & the basement door opens for no reason, go into that basement.
I’m in the South. I’m the only one who ordered vegetables with my dinner.
me:
professor x: yes, i can read minds
me:
professor x: yes, i suppose the name alvin and the chimpmunks alludes to he himself not being one
I am like a vampire in that I require a specific and obvious invitation to feel like I’m allowed in your home and also because you will definitely regret said invite
Roadtrip thread:
We made it 2.8% of the way to our destination before being asked when we were gonna be there.
The ocean is full of sharks, jellyfish, man-eating octopus, and nightmare whales, but make sure you wait a half-hour after eating to go in.
Credit card company: Sir, you have an outstanding balance.
Me: Thanks. I do yoga.
I may not be a ten but I am definitely couple of fives held together by cheese
Leftovers implies the existence of rightovers and if you‘ve got extra mac & cheese I’ll be right over.
Q: What’s the difference between a water bottle and puberty?
A: A water bottle has already hit Justin Bieber. #JustinBieber
Me: wow this scratch n sniff sticker smells really good
Him: that’s my bandaid
People who complain about parties must not like free food.
My cooking is nothing that a flame thrower and take away menu can’t fix
*cop approaches me*
“have u seen this girl?”
*holds up photo*
“yeah I’ve seen her, NAKED”
*hi-5*
“haha but seriously shes in my trunk”
One time I went on a date with a women’s basketball coach and he told me that women’s basketball is so much more about the fundamentals, and I have no idea what that means, but I say it every time I watch women’s basketball with other people and all the guys nod in agreement.
I know a kid who throws her dress over her head to “disappear.” Sadly, it does not have the same effect when I do it.
To be honest, the only reason I’m interested in space is to experience the sublime satisfaction of throwing an enemy out of an airlock.
The number of supermarket loyalty cards I have suggests I am anything but.
I’ve had 3 new bosses at work in the last 6 months.
I wonder when they’re going to bring me in for questioning.
I should move the bodies.
New dad: my kid started teething it’s awful.
Me: want some advice?
New dad: please!
Me: step 1 get a bottle of whiskey.
New dad: okay.
Me: step 2 drink it all.
Wife to kid: when you grow up you can be anything you want
Me: I mean we’d definitely prefer it if you didn’t grow up to be a serial killer though
Wife: BUT IF THATS WHAT YOU DECIDE TO BE YOU WILL BE THE BEST SERIAL KILLER THIS WORLD HAS EVER SEEN
Me and kid:
Social distancing has taken all the fun out of avoiding people.
Music – rock band
Jehovah’s Witness – knock band
Boats – dock band
Lip synched – mock band
Athletes – jock band
Safe cracker – lock band
Puppet – sock band
Clock maker – tock band
Chicken – b’gok band
Rooster – cock band
Twitter: Don’t say a word for 7 days. 60 women unfollow you.
Real life: Don’t say a word for 7 days. Every woman wants to marry you.
Who tf called it WebMD and not Google Docs
*snorting spilled coffee grounds off the dirty floor* I DONT HAVE A PROBLEM
*throws a rock at a bird*
Me [writing in “science” journal]: birds don’t like rocks.