I may not be a ten but I am definitely couple of fives held together by cheese
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“YOU’RE FAT.” – my belt
Me: Can I get you a drink?
Her: I don’t know. Can you?
Me: *checking wallet* No.
If we’ve learned anything from history…
I’d be amazed.
If a sister is a nun then a brother is a bun this makes zero sense aaand send
Remember before Ebola, when we just had bola? Technology changes everything.
Copied tweets with higher no. of RTs remind me of tht incident when Charlie Chaplin entered a Charlie Chaplin look-alike contest n came 3rd.
Friend is being kicked out of his flat that has a garden because the landlord wants to charge much, much higher rent. Friend has carefully removed every single thing he planted. Landlord: “it’s worth more with all the f***ing plants, how am I meant to get more rent now?!”
Sorry I romantically ran a seagull feather across your lips.
My 11 year old dumped his girlfriend because she was too “sassy.”
So I’m guessing my days are numbered.
Stop pronouncing it “Caribbean.” Everyone knows it’s “Caribbean.”
I’m told I look very good for a man twice my age.
me: my friend died in her sleep 🙁
my grandpa: back in my day we walked uphill 10 miles before we died
bet marie kondo is wishing she had more shit in her house right about now.
Ever notice how much easier it is to be nice to people when they’re leaving?
ATTORNEY: my client would like to confess
ME: i sell human organs on the black market
JUDGE [who needs a kidney transplant]: tell me more
Sometimes I overhear a conversation and want to tell one of them to run
I thought of a benefit to talking on the phone with someone: if a murder happens and you’re a suspect, you have an alibi.
I’m not even going to try to be understood today. If you hear nonsense, that’s what I said.
Make her feel like she’s the only woman on earth. Because nothing makes women happier than feeling like all other women are dead.
ME: Can you call me when you get home later so I know you’re okay
TAXI DRIVER: Again, no
How could I possibly be dehydrated? I drank a bottle of wine just last night
(Scientist: On average, you swallow at least three spiders when you’re sleeping)
Me: That’s the last time I allow scientist to watch me sleep
Was going to rob a bank today, but the pen was chained to the desk.
Funny that Lebron couldn’t even finish a game due to cramps when RoboCop saved all of Detroit without even having his own legs
[flicks cigarette out window]
submarine captain: you fool!
3yo: *follows me into bathroom*
Me: “Privacy, please”
3yo: “Oh, right” *closes door*
“Now we have privacy, Mommy”
[friend’s house]
ME: [trying to sound cool] Ooh! Is that EDM we’re listening to?
FRIEND: No, I’ve got gym shoes in the dryer, my wife is vacuuming, and the smoke alarm is going off.
me at 20: i’ll do anything.
me at 46: this drive thru has too tight of a turn radius.
i wish jigglypuff was real imagine how well rested you could be all the time
customer: can I return this bird food?
me: we don’t take returns
customer: then can I give some feedback?
me: I told you no