If a sister is a nun then a brother is a bun this makes zero sense aaand send
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All I’m saying is Stacy’s mom probably has an Only Fans now…
Coworker deserves an Oscar for how hard they pretended to work on this project. 😒
Eating my way out of the ball pit.
Friend: What was the name of that guy you introduced me to? He had a beard and a hoodie.
Me: Uhhh
F: Really into Craft Beer.
Me:
F: He has a podcast.
Me: That’s every man I know.
[At the gym before someone teaches me the word spotting]: “hey bro will you take care of me and protect me?”
Mom Octopus: *opens bedroom door* What’s up?
Son Octopus: *slams laptop* Nothing!
Mom Octopus: YOU BETTER NOT BE LOOKING AT PRAWN AGAIN
My husband just called our dog, Gertie by her real name, Gertrude. She must be in a lot of trouble.
Me: how is she?
Dr: well we’ve managed to save the leg
Me: oh thank god
Dr: she died
Me: …
Dr: so do you want the leg or what?
friend (via text): can I call you right now?
me: no. i’m not near my phone.
Algebra,trignometry, and calculus are responsible for more doctors than the actual love for the profession.
…in my purse, in my coat pocket, in the fridge, in the pantry, beside the corkscrew…
[Chapstick Season]
My hot pink mouth is wide open for you, sugar.
Donut: ….
I don’t have time to get to know you
Be cool immediately
[Fairground]
Son: Daddy can I have a balloon?
Me: If you’re good.
Son: Good at what?
Me: Buying your own balloons
The road to hell is paved with good intentions
Note to self…avoid good intentions at all costs.
I have two dogs, one dominates, the other is a subwoofer.
Pro tip:
Don’t drop the remote on your wife’s face when she falls asleep in your lap
I hate it when I take a picture of myself and see 20 years of bad eating habits and no exercise
If you’re ever worried about what people think, just remember that people once thought smoking cured asthma. People are dumb.
[War Museum]
Cop: Ma’am, you called about some stolen torpedoes?
Me: Actually I said Doritos
Cop: *walks away
Me: THEY WERE COOL RANCH
WIFE: I just read that men are five times more likely to be struck by lightning than women.
ME *on the roof in my He-Man costume with my sword* BY THE POWER OF GRAYSKULL WHAT HONEY?
Getting older is pretty much just paying bills and finally understanding why killers in horror flicks target teenagers.
Her: You know I love it when you pull my hair…
Me: Yes, baby
Her: But the other people at this PTA meeting are beginning to stare.
In case you wanted to mess with me, just know I went 10 for 10 at trivia last night on the round about famous female killers.
5:32 pm “I don’t need a cart. I’m just picking up a few things.”
5:38 pm: Struggling to the self checkout with a watermelon, a 12-pack & a turkey balanced on a four-foot stack of Cap’n Crunch & Cheez Its.
I sure have purchased an inordinate amount of ringtones, for someone who keeps their phone on Silent.
HER: i’m leaving you
HIM: is it because we can’t have children or my obsession with The Princess Bride?
HER: both
HIM: [under breath] inconceivable
[planning heist]
LEADER: we can kill the alarm, but how do we get through the concrete wall?
*everyone turns to look at the kool-aid man*
Nurse: how’s that helping his heart?
Surgeon: [stitching clock into patient’s chest] IT HEALS ALL WOUNDS KAREN
grotesque if literal: baby food