Do you think Mr. Peanut had a normal first name, like Jim, or do you think it was like roasted or whatever?
Prison guard: don’t flip the switch yet, let’s hear him out
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Shit gets real with the whole “I-hid-something-from-my-kid-and-now-I-can’t-find-it-either” game when the thing you hid is your iPad.
152,000 people will die today but not the one you want.
throwin a party tonight
goths $5
furries $5raccoons $10 since y’all wanna be both
heres my To Do List – become the new kfc colonel, mess with texas, invent a new animal just to piss off scientists
Just sold my homing pigeon on eBay for the 22nd time.
(Over the Ouija board)
-Wheeere have you plaaaced your hoodiees..
[dinner at my parents’]
my gf: thank you for having me
me: they’re not your parents weirdo
Might cry like a baby hoping to get scooped up by a dingo.
I use a wheelchair. I love it when people ask me if I know one of their friends in a wheelchair, like we’re all in a secret wheelchair club.
Me: why are there so many rednecks at this bar
Vampire: *shifting guiltily* haha yeah weird
If my dog had a catchphrase it would be, “I came as soon as I heard! What do you need me to eat??”
BOSS: I need to see you in my office
ME: *I begrudgingly take off my invisibility cloak* oh alright
“Regardless of what Newton said, gravity is really just a theory that you humans choose to accept as fact. If you simply refuse to take it as a given, then the whole paradigm shifts. Anyway Brenda, if you’ve got a minute, the litter in my box could really use a change.”
my mom has been using 💦 to describe crying and when I told her to stop it, she made me tell her why and now it’s so quiet in here.
Doctors, soldiers, firefighters. These are all respected positions. But the position I respect most as a parent
Is a driver’s Ed instructor
Wolverine’s mom: If you’re going out take your brother with you
Wolverine: But Mom he’s so weird
Listerine: Nothing weird about fresh breath
[wife explaining to me how deaths in movies work]
So the actors really don’t die?
“No”
So is Abraham Lincoln really not dead?
*she sighs*
My younger co-workers were all watching a reel about flowbee and debating whether it was real or not so to be a part of the cool crowd convo I was like “I remember those!” and anyway that is not how you do that in case anyone was wondering.
“I’m usually closed off. But if you get close to me, you’ll find that I’ll really open up.”
-Automatic sliding doors
All I wanna do is
*BANG BANG BANG*
And *cash register noise*
And eat some hummus
I was just trying on the floral romper for fun but then the sales associate asked if my daughter was my sister and now I’m out $140.
[During sex]
Me: I know you want me to be “naughty”, but I can barely breathe in this Hamburglar costume.
it was a valiant fight
Babies won’t eat food unless they think it’s an airplane because all humans are born believing they’re godzilla.
*Wife blows me a kiss from across the room*
*I pretend to catch it*
*I walk over to the window and toss it outside*
“Grow up Karen”
Never be afraid to acknowledge your accomplishments
[day 7 of quarantine]
zzz
<⌒/ヽ-、__
/<_/____/
 ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄∧_∧ oh no
( ・ω・) im late for work
_| ⊃/(___
/ └-(____/
 ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄<⌒/ヽ-、__ lol
/<_/____/
 ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄
I keep chalk in my back pocket at all times in case any of you motherfuckers are foolish enough to challenge me at Hopscotch.
Let us pray for my Facebook friend who not only has a headache, but her bus is running a bit late too.
Don’t tell me who to follow Twitter, I have many years of experience finding and building relationships with dangerous maniacs and I don’t need your amateur assistance.