Mama Bear: The porridge is ready
Papa Bear: Perfect let’s leave for a couple of hours
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Optometrist: better or worse?
Me: oooo worse – I can see your face now
Holy shit, I just saw my ex sister in-law get punched in the face eleven times with my fist!
I dream of writing a fat woman’s cookbook. I’ll call it, “50 Shades of Gravy.”
Rule: If thou has a Macbook, thou shall always taketh photos of objects with the Macbook in the background.
this morning at 7-eleven i saw a lizard next to the coffee maker and the cashier said “no worries that’s just marvin, he likes the smell”
After how many years should you clean your microwave?
The little Tabasco bottle waits patiently as you flirt with artisanal overpriced hot sauces, confident that you’ll always come home.
Go suck an egg. Lick a mango. Breathe on an avocado. Make everyone at the grocery store uncomfortable.
who started finding eggs and was like “it was probably a rabbit”
I called the fire dept to get my cat out of a tree and they said they don’t do that so I told them them he had a lighter.
i did a little research on why weekends are only two days long and it turns out people made that up. wtf people
*Sees someone tying a yellow ribbon around a tree*
Me: Oh dang, Groot knows karate
When one door closes another door opens, pretty sure my house is haunted, I sleep on the porch
An old boyfriend hearted my picture on Facebook instead of just liking it, so I was wondering what we should name our kids.
The world is full of people who just need to hug a cactus.
Interviewer: what’s your biggest weakness?
Dwayne Johnson: *sweating nervously* certainly not paper that’s for sure
[trying to unhook a bra]
*kung fu noises*
Lowe’s banned me for yelling “From the windows! To the walls! To the sweat drop down my balls!”, as I explained how much carpet I needed.
Women’s voices naturally get higher as they get excited so if you’re in bed and she still sounds like Morgan Freeman, try harder.
“Sleep is for the dead”. Yeah cos you look so alive when you’re yawning. #stupidsayings
Drawing fake track marks on my arm so I don’t have to hold anyone’s baby at Thanksgiving.
How far is it from the Earth to the sun?
10 CVS receipts.
I don’t care if you used to be the village bicycle…
All that matters is that you’re my bicycle now.
~inspirational tweet
I’m moving today. To mess with the movers, I labeled one box “Thoughts.”
Fair warning. People who underestimated me in the past have seldom learned of their error!
Life hack: Confuse your doctor by putting on gloves the same time he does
my wife: what did you get me for my birthday?
me: {staring at the amazon drone quietly dropping off an iguana wearing a tiny cowboy hat on the porch, something i bought for myself 3 days ago, totally forgetting it was my wife’s birthday} remember when you said you liked iguanas?
[Job interview]
Boss: “What’s your biggest weakness?”
Me: “I have no weaknesses.”
*clutches picture of the dolphin that killed my father*
Had a job interview at a mirror store today and I gotta say I could really see myself working there
Honesty is the best policy until it gets you slapped.